


Goodnight, Sleepyhead

by ladycortana



Category: Tokyo Ghoul, Tokyo Ghoul:re
Genre: + Touken Baby, Angst, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, Touken, kanetou
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-15
Updated: 2018-03-15
Packaged: 2019-03-31 13:49:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13976448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladycortana/pseuds/ladycortana
Summary: Five years after the events of chapter 160, Touka and Kaneki find themselves struggling not only to keep the fire of their relationship alive, but to raise their five-year-old son Sui in the depths of the 24th Ward. Will Kaneki and Touka be able to provide their child a healthy lifestyle in the middle of a never-ending war?





	Goodnight, Sleepyhead

**Author's Note:**

> there are so many wrong things about this fic, like:  
> \+ don’t ask about Furuta, V, Rize, or any of that — because i have no idea.  
> \+ Sui Ishida is natural hybrid, so I made him able to eat both human food/flesh like Eto.  
> \+ the CCG is forcing Kaneki & the good ghouls to stay in the Ward, & they only spare the life of the ghouls who want to join Kaneki since he’s trying to make peace. The ghouls who don’t support Kaneki & live out there in the city, are probably gonna get haunted.  
> \+ i go back from past to present tense at some points so don’t worry, that’s totally intentional.  
> \+ there’s a house that i mention in the fic, i’ll be posting the pictures of that house in a different post so check it out!  
> \+ yes, the kiddo is called Sui in honor of the great Sui Ishida. Fight me.  
> \+ this is for the beautiful shar, i love you -hugs-

 

* * *

 

**I.**

One.

Eyes flicker.

Two.

His fingers reach out for something. Maybe mom's hair, or the sheets around him, he can't tell.

Three.

A tiny yawn.

Four.

His eyelids open slightly.

Five.

He smiles.

Five minutes. That's how long he stays with his eyes locked in the musty ceiling above. You see, five is a special number. We have five fingers in our hands, we also have five toes, five senses are the ones that help us survive in this world, and at this very moment, right after he opens his eyes, Sui knows he's just woken up having five years old. Five! Who would have thought?

Sui bites his lip, breathing with excitement, and his head eagerly turns around to face the silhouette of his mother, covered with a thousand blankets and showing him her back. He leans a little, resting his elbow on the mattress to get a better view of her.

"Mom," he whispers, but she doesn't move. Sui touches her back a couple times. "Mom, I'm five."

No response. Sui sighs, she's probably too tired to even realize that someone is talking to her. The kid looks up at the ceiling again, giving up, and decides to abandon the warmth of the bed to greet everything around him. His bare feet touch the cold soil as his eyes travel around the cell. Mom and dad's room is tiny, but filled with things that make it look bigger. Sui tousles his own dark hair, yawning again, and gives one step.

"Good morning, lamp," he whispers slowly, so mom won't wake up. He bends down on the floor, touching the tiny cactus that they have beside the bed. "Good morning, plant. I'm five now."

Sui wanders all over the room, slightly touching his favorite objects. The tiny TV on top of a dresser that sometimes doesn't work, the small wooden table on the ground where Touka wanted him to eat, some of the toys he's brought from his room—the one he refuses to use, sleeping with mom and dad is always more fun than being alone.

"Good morning, wardrobe. Good morning, TV. Good morning, toys. I'm five."

Once Sui is done, he abandons the room and wanders the lonely hallways of the 24th Ward with excitement filling his lungs, forcing him to blurt out choked gasps as he runs and his eyes stare at everything around him, at the massive altitude of the walls, the sewers, the sound of his steps echoing the Ward and creating a melody that resembles the steps of a dragon, the haunting noises he imagines when he listens to his favorite horror stories. Sui encounters a few people along the way, some ghouls working on their own stuff, greeting them with a cheerful "hello! I'm five now!" and a rapid wave of his hand. The people smile at him, nodding, always being too kind, replying with a warm _happy birthday._

Things get more exciting once Sui spots Tsukiyama and Ayato from afar, standing next to each other with a cup of coffee in their hands. Unable to control himself, Sui runs towards them, his wild hair fluttering in the air.

"Tsukiyama!" he yells, completely ignoring the presence of the man beside him, forcing Tsukiyama to turn around quickly, brows arching at the sight of him. "I'm five!"

He delivers a beaming smile and stretches out his arm towards Ayato's chest, forcing him to grab his cup and hold it in the air so he can give Sui a proper welcome. Ayato gives him an annoyed stare, taking the cup and placing it on top of the table with a strange grimace. Tsukiyama places his arm on his stomach and decides to offer an elegant reverence, unlike Ayato who only rolls his eyes and decides, instead, to tousle Sui's hair, not wanting to follow any kind of royal—and absurd—protocol.

"Indeed, my prince," Tsukiyama responds, smiling proudly and going back to his previous position. "You are now one step further to become a great man of honor, a true heir to the throne, and know that my sword and services shall be on your side forevermore."

Ayato snorts.

"Why are you speaking like that?"

The flower man lands his eyes on Ayato for a couple seconds, trying to decipher the situation. He blinks, completely still.

"Is something the matter?"

"Yeah," Ayato replies, looking at him as the stupidest creature around. "It's _annoying_  me."

Tsukiyama sighs, fixing his hair and drifting his gaze away.

"It is not my problem that you ignore the decent formality you must employ to speak with the future King who is also, in case you had forgotten, your most beloved nephew."

Ayato frowns.

"My _most_ beloved? He's… kind of the only nephew that I have."

Tsukiyama ignores him.

"I'm just doing my job as his most loyal and faithful and—"

"And ridiculous," Ayato adds, quickly taking a sip of his coffee.

Tsukiyama nods.

"And ridicul— ah, w-wait!" he quickly turns around, horror transforming his features.

Ayato smiles, pleased with himself, and Sui laughs, finding amusing the way Tsukiyama's cheeks dye in red and how his hands turn into fists, wrapped in his anger.

"I don't think you're ridiculous, Tsukiyama," Sui comforts, smiling kindly.

Tsukiyama sighs, frowning and deciding to ignore Ayato to bend the knee and grab Sui's hand, putting up a show as he always does. Ayato groans.

"You're right. Forgive me, my prince, I got carried away."

"Stop acting like a weirdo, it's embarrassing," Ayato gives Sui a quick look, the funny mockery he employed towards Tsukiyama rapidly vanishing away. His features gently relax, a spark of tenderness shimmering in his eyes. "Happy birthday, kiddo."

And it is, indeed, a happy birthday, for Sui has everything he could possibly need, everything he could possibly dream. A great place to live in, dark and spooky as the stories he so fervently reads. He has an invisible dog no one else can see, and a big family that adds new members almost every day. But his favorite part of it, the one he loves the most…

Is his dad.

Sui continues to wander around the Ward, looking out for him, turning to every person he can spot and ask "have you seen my dad?" a couple times until he stumbles upon someone who knows where he is, and Sui's feet increase their speed as he eagerly runs towards his presence, wanting to hear his greetings the most. He finds his silhouette in the distance, standing along with some people and reading some papers out loud. Sui screams his name just once, and that is enough for Kaneki to put an end to his reading and lift up his gaze, finding his son running towards him. That sight is just enough to take his breath away.

Kaneki smiles back, and delivers the papers to one of the men next to him, whispering something as one of them nods, walking away and allowing the King some privacy. Even till this day, where Sui has just turned five years old, he still can't believe that his father is a King. To him, that probably is one of the coolest things ever, but also one of the scariest. Sui is unaware of how his dad became a King, people haven't told him that story yet. But deep inside of him, Sui feels that because he's a king… something very bad will happen to him. For what he knows, Kings exist to protect their people, to die for them if they have to. In stories, the villains hate the kings, the good kings like his dad. And… Tsukiyama is always mentioning the fact that, someday, Sui will become a king too. But… doesn't kings have to die first, in order to have _another_  King?

That thought haunts him at night.

"Dad!" Sui screams when he's just about to land on his father's arms. "I'm five!"

Kaneki catches him right away, lifting him up in the air and pulling him into a firm embrace as his lips kiss Sui's cheek.

"Happy birthday, sleepyhead."

Sui pulls away a little once Kaneki stops kissing his cheeks, smiling brightly and enclosing his arms around his dad's neck.

"I'm five!"

Kaneki laughs, nodding, and tousles his hair.

"I know, you're so big now."

"I thought I'd look tall like you when I woke up, but I didn't," Sui explains, grimacing.

"It's gonna take some time until you reach my height. But you look so much older today, I think your nose is bigger too," Kaneki says, pinching the tip of his nose.

Sui laughs, wrinkling his face.

"It's not!"

Kaneki smiles, giving a soft sigh.

"Did your mom wake you up? Where is she?" He asks, eyes quickly drifting away from Sui to peek behind him, trying to get a glimpse of Touka in between the number of people present there.

But Sui shakes his head.

"She was sleeping, didn't wake up when I called her. She's been sleeping a lot lately, right, dad? Maybe she's about to get sick?"

Kaneki looks at his son for a couple seconds, but Sui has the vague impression that he's not really looking at him, and his mind seems to be momentarily trapped somewhere else. He's thinking about something, Sui can notice it. He has his thinking face: parted lips, brows weakly wrinkled. The face he makes when he tries to read something without his glasses.

"Dad?"

Kaneki blinks, coming back to reality and staring at Sui, giving a tired sigh, but quickly forcing a gentle smile.

"It's fine, we should let her sleep a little longer, she must be tired," Kaneki says, and smiles again. Sui knows that smile too, it's the smile he puts on when he wants to change the subject. One of the smiles mom hates the most, but it doesn't bother him at all. "Are you hungry? Want me to cook something for you?"

Sui smiles, nodding furiously, and a wave of wisdom hits him all of a sudden. If being a King means that he won't have his dad smiling at him like this, cooking for him on his birthdays…

Then he doesn't want to become a King. Never.

**—o—**

The kitchen that they had in the Ward was small but equipped with all the necessary essentials to make a proper and decent meal. Cooking for his son was something Kaneki enjoyed deeply. As a natural hybrid, Sui was able to eat both human food and human flesh, and although human food was able to fill him up for a while and ease his childish cravings, it wasn't enough to guarantee his survival. Living off of human food alone would make him get sick quite often, he _was_  already a kid prone to get sick once in a while, more than any other ghoul kid around. He would sleep a lot, get dizzy, and raise up temperature when not eating human flesh regularly. But today was his birthday, and that was a synonym of a day filled with human dishes, starting with Tamagoyaki, Sui's favorite breakfast.

Sui sits on the table, drinking juice and telling his dad a weird dream he had last night as he takes the pan and the eggs, listening to his story and preparing his breakfast. Sui doesn't realize the moment when two large arms wrap around his body from behind, almost making him spit his juice from the surprise. He starts giggling when the sweet fragrance of his mom hits him, and feels her lips spreading kisses on his cheek and neck.

"A-Ah, mom, s-stop!" he laughs, shrinking his shoulders.

She must have woken up.

From the counter, Kaneki gives them a quick stare as he beats the eggs, offering a smirk.

"Happy birthday, baby," Touka says against his cheek before pulling back, watching him stretch his head back to look at her and offer the most beautiful smile.

"I'm five," he explains, for the fifth time.

She smiles back, brushing his wild hair out of his forehead. He looked a lot like Ayato when he was little.

"I know."

Touka walks away from him, lazy steps heading towards the counter to get a coffee. Her fingers gently squeeze Kaneki's back when she passes behind him, her way to say good morning, and Kaneki's eyes follow her path to the coffee maker as he makes the omelette.

"Are you alright?" he asks, drifting his eyes away from her to the omelette, and then back to her again. "You slept until late today."

Touka doesn't look at him. She grabs a cup from the shelf and shrugs.

"I guess I was just tired," she simply says, and grabs another cup. "You want a coffee?"

Kaneki nods, parting his lips to say something else, hesitating for a moment before shutting them down, giving a sigh. Sui was right, she had been sleeping a lot lately, more than usual, and the fact that she didn't offer any kind of motives has begun to annoy him. Kaneki decides to let it pass for today, not wanting to create unnecessary tension on Sui's birthday. He finishes the omelette, gives it to Sui, grabs his own cup.

But Touka doesn't say a word.

**—o—**

Touka can't remember her own birthdays as a child.

She only has glimpses of them. Her mother smiling, the image of her father with a gift on his hands, a candle shining in the dark… but they all feel like lost dreams more than something that actually happened in her past, an event she's unable to remember clearly. Sometimes she thinks she can remember her last birthday, the last one that she spent in her old house, with her father, with no trace of her mother, and other times Touka finds herself coming to the conclusion that Ayato probably doesn't even remember them at all; his own birthdays. That maybe he doesn't have traces of past dreams as she does because he's never had them before, he probably doesn't even remember their mother's face, their father's voice, that familiar fragrance lingering in the air.

It scares her to death that Sui might end up just like her in the future.

For that reason, as the hard-worker person that she is, she makes sure that Sui's birthdays are something unforgettable. For him, at least.

The cake arrives by the hands of Yoriko, as it has been during all these five years. Touka used to visit her bakery from time to time along with Sui, who was eager to play with Yoriko's daughter; both were around the same age. But going out of the Ward wasn't as safe as it used to be, and although Kaneki and the CCG maintained some kind of peaceful alliance of some sort, working together on many occasions, there were still many ghouls out there who didn't support Kaneki's cause, some investigators who were against Marude's ways of dealing with the situation, so the 24th Ward was the only place they could stay, the only place to call _home_ , the only place where Sui was allowed to have a birthday, the only place Touka hated the most and made her realize how unfair things were for them. Yoriko had suggested celebrating Sui's birthday in her bakery, but Kaneki didn't think it was a good idea. For some reason, Takeomi thought the same. Touka wondered if maybe he was scared for his daughter, that bringing Sui into Yoriko's shop could turn into a problem, could put his family in danger. Touka stood silent all the time, swallowing a bitterness that was slowly growing.

Despite her own feelings, she knew that Sui's were more important, and he looked extremely happy during the entire celebration, something that made her forget her own sorrows for a while. They sang happy birthday to him around a table filled with sweets that were mostly untouched by the amount of ghouls in the room, unable to try anything at all. Touka put him a birthday hat, Hinami gave him a horror book, Yoriko brought two dinosaur onesies and Tsukiyama bought him a tricycle, his first tricycle, the one he quickly rode around the Ward taking Yoriko's daughter with him on the back, a crowd of ghoul children following him between laughter, trying to chase him.

It had been a beautiful sight, and still, it hadn't been enough.

Not enough for _her._

The night ended with too much food that "we're gonna have to shove it up our asses" according to Nishiki, since there was no way Sui could digest all of that by himself. When he crashed on the table, lips softly drooling and filled with chocolate, his birthday hat was hanging around his neck. Touka scooped him in her arms, ready to take him to his bed. Sui's room was only one step away from their own cell and although Sui didn't really like sleeping there, the fact that he completely passed out in her arms made things a lot easier.

Touka places her son on the mattress, waking him up a little in the process. She takes the blankets, covering him with them as he gives her a drowsy expression.

"Mom…"

"Yes?" she asks then, sitting on the edge for a moment and brushing his hair back, exposing his entire face.

"I'm…" he makes a pause, delivers a long yawn. "I-I'm five."

Sui closes his eyes for a moment, sighing, and the force of his tiredness takes him far away from there. Touka admires him. Deep inside, she does. He can sleep so calmly, he can close his eyes and forget about the entire world for hours, his sweet and cruel innocence protecting him from the things that Touka is trying to run away every day. Yes, he's five. And she knows that he won't have five forever. He will grow, and see the world as it truly is, how it takes and steals without a warning. He will know all the things she and Kaneki did to protect him, he will _have_  to make sacrifices in order to protect others too. He will have to make decisions, hard decisions, and sometimes she wonders if he will ever end up like Ayato did. Leaving home at a young age, or dying at a young age as her parents, or locked up inside a deep underground cell with no freedom at all as she is right now, witnessing the injustice of the world.

Touka sighs too, brushing his hair again. The thought is terrifying.

"Yes," she whispers. "You are."

**II.**

And with a new age, come new questions.

 _Why is the sky blue?_ one day Sui asked, when he was three. An easy question, isn't? It was easy to come up with an answer then. Touka didn't know many things, but she was quick enough to make up a story that left Sui satisfied. She can't remember what she told him back then, but now, with five years old, questions get a little crueler, and life finds her speechless.

"For you see so many out of the way things had happened _li… litely_ …"

"Lately," Touka corrects, grabbing the meat from the _small_  fridge in the kitchen as she hears Sui read out loud for her, sitting on the table.

Sui didn't like to read, but he loved when others read to him. Especially Tsukiyama. _Especially_ if they were horror stories. Since he couldn't afford a normal education outside the Ward, reading some pages daily and basic math with Nishiki was the only sort of education that they could provide him.

She grabs the knife, cutting the meat into tiny pieces.

"Lately," he repeats, swinging his legs in the air with boredom. "That Alice had begun to think that very few things indeed were really impossible…"

Touka nods carefully at his pronunciation, and returns to the table with a plate full of chopped meat and chopsticks.

"Okay," she says, placing the food in front of him. "Take a break for now and eat."

Sui closes the book, hiding a tiny smile when Touka turns around and sighs, looking at the plate. There's a silence as Touka grabs some dirty cups and washes them under the sink, thinking if she should make herself a coffee or eat something too. Her mind goes blank for a minute until she realizes that there's no sound behind her, no sound of Sui chewing or the chopsticks crashing against each other. She turns off the faucet and swifties around, curious, to see her son staring at the food with a strange expression on his face, holding the chopsticks but not using them at all. Touka frowns.

"Sui," she calls sweetly, tilting her face to one side like a puppy. "What's wrong? You're not hungry?"

It had happened before, and it was usually when he was about to get sick. She takes one step and places the palm of her hand on Sui's forehead, but his skin feels cold to the touch, he's definitely not getting sick anytime soon.

"It's not that," Sui frowns, confused and troubled. "It's just…"

Touka waits. She's confused too.

"What is it?"

Sui sighs, giving up.

"Why do we have to eat people?"

Oh.

Right.

_Of course._

Touka knew this day would come. Words leave her empty, she stares at Sui with parted lips, trying to get her shit together and be a good mother for once, answer the way her father would have answered, smiling the way her mother would have smiled, but she can't. She's young, and inexpert, and every day is a new lesson to learn. She's still learning how to be a mother, how to pick her words carefully, how to guide him in the right way. He's her first child, and although Touka knows she isn't doing everything by herself, moments like this put her in a situation where she feels useless. Her features slowly sadden, curiosity being quickly forgotten. It's not fair. It's not fair at all.

She takes a moment before replying.

"Because we're ghouls," she simply says, looking down at the floor.

"B-But… I'm half-ghoul," he adds, a child full of cruel curiosities. "Why do I have to eat them too?"

The question of her life. Touka feels the impulse of blurting out an ironic laugh.

"Because they help us survive."

"But they're  _dead_ ," Sui says, frowning more, as if he was feeling sorry for them.

Of course he was.

Touka sighs, this time looking at him.

"We don't kill them. You know that."

He looks up at her, troubled.

"But then how do you find the bodies?"

Touka makes a pause, coming closer to take a seat in front of him. Her arms rest on the table, feeling Sui's haunting stare penetrating her entire being, begging for an answer.

"We… find people who already died, so we don't have to kill anyone."

Sui blinks, still feeling sorry for them. He lowers his gaze, takes a second, and then lifts up again, staring at her.

"Have you ever killed a person?"

How do you answer this to a child? How? How can she explain that she's killed thousands? That she can't even remember how many? That she didn't even kill them because she was hungry, but out of rage? Out of jealousy? They live normal lives. They don't have to worry about doves, about hiding, they can go to school, and have a work, and get married easily. They don't have to live in underground cities without being able to see the sunlight, without being able to even hear the sound of rain when it crashes against the rooftops. They don't have to answer these questions to their children, they get the easy ones. They don't have to kill people to eat like they do. How in the _world_ , can Touka explain that to her son? How?

Touka doesn't realize her eyes start to burn. And when she decides to speak, her son listens carefully.

"If you die…" she starts, eyes focusing on her hands over the table. "I'd be very sad. This food… is what's keeping you alive. What's keeping _us_  alive. If we don't eat this, we can't keep living, we can't be all together. So… even if it's scary, or gross, even if we don't like it, we have to do it. Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to," Touka looks at the book on the table. "Like reading. I don't really like it either, but we have to read so we can be smart."

Sui grimaces.

"Smart like dad?"

She nods, offering a sad smirk.

"Yeah, he's very smart, right? Because he reads a lot. I… I know it's hard to understand, but — "

Sui shakes his head, looking at the plate.

"It's okay," he whispers. He doesn't look disgusted anymore. "I think I can eat it, because I want to be with you."

Touka's heart flutters furiously. It's a different kind of flutter, one she can't compare to nothing. Different from the ones she feels around Kaneki. It's something she can't find a name for, something she suspects it can only be felt by a mother. Touka doesn't say anything, but Sui keeps talking.

"Can you eat with me?" he asks. "I… don't want to eat alone."

She nods, smiling softly.

"Sure. Let's eat together."

**III.**

When Sui wakes up, he finds his body being squeezed between mom and dad on the same bed. For a moment, he thought he wouldn't make it. It was way more comfortable to sleep with mom and dad, but it wasn't something he would obtain that often and _so_ easily. Last night, Touka had complained about it.

"Can I sleep with you tonight?" he'd asked Kaneki with tiredness, resting his head against his hip.

But Touka's voice made itself hear pretty clear in the room.

"Sui, you have to start sleeping in your own bed."

It was way easier for Touka to set the boundaries as a mother, something that completely differed from Kaneki's way of raising his child. He couldn't say no, he didn't have the emotional strength to send him to his own bed, alone, when he knew Sui wanted to sleep with them. And it often caused trouble in the couple, never being able to agree on something. When Touka said white, for Kaneki was black. When Touka said no, for Kaneki was yes. It was extremely frustrating.

Kaneki gave Touka a quick and disapproving look, but then looked down at Sui, smiling softly and tousling his hair.

"Yeah, you can sleep with us tonight."

Touka, who was making the bed, turned around to give him an annoyed expression. Why did he always have to do that? Completely crush the voice of her authority?

"Kaneki," she groans.

"Come on, just one night, he's just a kid," Kaneki complained, getting slightly annoyed at the way Touka sighed and walked away. He didn't know what was wrong with her lately, but annoyance seemed to be her middle name. He looked down at Sui, who was smiling both innocently and triumphantly at the same time. "Let's go, sleepyhead."

And now, there he was.

Sui looks at his mom. She's giving him her back, facing the wall. His eyes quickly travel towards his dad, who's facing the ceiling, an arm resting back on the pillow. Sui sighs in the middle of the darkness, and blurts out a gentle gasp when he realizes that a misty breath comes out from his lips. He blinks, surprised, and touches the tip of his nose. It's frozen, and his hands too. Is it that cold out there, he wonders? The Ward is always cold, and wet, and dark. Sui breathes again, slowly, watching as the mist ascends like a phantom. He smiles, and touches his dad's shoulder, trying to wake him up.

"Dad," he whispers, excited. "Dad…"

Kaneki sighs, eyes softly opening, and lifts up his hand to rub one of them as he gives a sleepy yawn.

"What… is it?"

"Dad, look, I'm a dragon," he explains, gaining a confused stare from Kaneki. Sui smiles, looking at the ceiling to show him. He parts his lips and breathes, slowly, and the mist ascends again from his mouth like fire.

Sui turns his head to Kaneki, waiting for his reaction. He catches his gentle smile in the dark, the gentle sweetness of his eyes as Kaneki decides to imitate him. He looks at the ceiling, opens his lips and breathes, and the mist that comes from his mouth is way heavier and massive than the one his poor tiny lips are able to produce. It creates a cloud on top of them that slowly vanishes, and Sui gasps, startled.

"You're a dragon too!" the kid breathes again, touching the mist with his fingers. He turns to his dad. "Why does it look like that?"

"Because it's very cold today," Kaneki explains.

"Is it winter?"

"No, not yet. We're in fall now."

The murmur of their voices seems to wake Touka up. Sui hears her sigh, the weight of her body slowly turning around to face them. She looks tired, her eyes look a bit swollen, and Sui wonders, again, if she's about to catch a cold or something. His dad already explained that it was a cold day. Maybe mom wasn't drinking enough coffee to keep herself warm? That's why she looked so tired?

"What are you two babbling," Touka asks, resting her hands underneath her cheek, defeated after being interrupted in her slumber.

Sui smiles, looking at her.

"Mom, we're dragons, look," and he breathes again, like a dragon, releasing his power.

Kaneki smiles at Touka from the other side. Look at our son, _our_  son. Here, between us, _alive,_ appreciating the small things in life like the misty breath under a chilly morning, things that look so banal in the eyes of others, but of extreme importance in his. And Touka is able to see it, and allows herself to feel it. She allows herself to shove the nasty thoughts away, the shitty feeling that's been lingering inside of her for a few weeks now, to look at them. Kaneki and Sui, right beside her, _alive_ , reminding her that she's not alone, that she will never be alone. Whether be here, in this suffocating place that she hates so much, or up there, where she wants to be the most, where _Sui_  deserves to be the most. It doesn't really matter, because they're together, and _these_ are the moments that really matter.

Touka delivers a faint smile, and parts her lips to imitate them both. She breathes, releasing her own mist when they do, and Sui giggles, stopping for a second.

"Now we're all dragons!"

Sui continues to breathe carefully, and Touka stays silent, staring at him, until she adverts Kaneki's hand passing above Sui's head to reach out to her, pushing her hair away from her forehead, and his fingers stay there, stroking her hair. During an instant, Touka quickly forgets the tension from last night, and drifts her eyes away from Sui to look at him.

He's staring back.

"Are you okay?" Kaneki asks, for she knows he can feel something. Over the years, Kaneki had gotten better when it came to understanding her feelings, to know if something was off, out of the place.

Sui stops breathing and turns his head to look at Touka. He quickly imitates his father's ministrations, and raises his hand to stroke her hair too and then rest it on her cheek.

"Yeah, are you okay?" Sui repeats, stroking her skin.

Touka smiles softly, closing her eyes, feeling their hands caressing her hair and cheek. With a sigh, she nods.

"I'm okay."

**—o—**

But the truth was, things were not really _okay._

Hours later, a reminder arrived.

Sui was sitting on Nishiki's lap, who was trying to get a nap on a broken couch, unable to succeed.

"Nishiki," Sui complained, grimacing as his hands traveled to his face. "Why don't you ever smile? Is your face broken?"

Nishiki sighed, slightly annoyed.

"Kind of."

"I'm sorry about your face."

"It's fine."

Sui's hands moved then onto his glasses.

"And why do you wear glasses? Are you blind?"

"Sorta."

"I'm sorry about your blindness, Nishiki."

Nishiki grimaced, repressing a groan, trying to get him off of his face.

"H-Hey brat," he pushed him to the side. "Why don't you, uh, go out for a bit and find something to play with so I can fucking sle — "

"THE KING!" a man yelled out in the distance, interrupting Nishiki's words. "The king is back! He's hurt!"

Sui paralyzed in his place, unable to move, unable to _breathe._ H-Hurt? What did they mean with _hurt_? Yes, his father had left the Ward that morning after waking up together in bed, after playing to be dragons and annoying mom when she tried to put them _both_  on a coat because it was freezing. He left after preparing his breakfast, as he did every single morning, waiting for him with his Tamagoyaki ready on the table. He left the Ward with a few people and promised that he would be back soon, within a few hours. He promised Sui that he would bring him something from the outside. _Something like what?_ Sui had asked, and Kaneki had smiled, pinching his chubby cheeks. _It's a surprise, sleepyhead._

Everything was fine. Everything was _fine_. But now he was back, and he…

Nishiki got up from the couch immediately, alarmed, hesitating between running towards the chaos or staying with Sui, who firmly grabbed the sleeve of his shirt without even realizing. Nishiki looked down at him, unsure of what to do, until Hinami came running from the distance, pale and desperate.

"Go find Onee-chan!" she screamed, arriving to grab Sui by the hand, kneeling in front of him to calm him down.

Nishiki ran away, as fast as he could, and a few seconds later he found Touka running towards the same direction, not even noticing that he was heading there too. The look on her face was something Nishiki couldn't find a name for. There was no name for that expression, no fancy descriptions that could describe it. She was pale, terribly scared, holding back her shameful tears. It had been hard for Touka since Kaneki's last incident, five years ago. The scars still remained, the fear still remained. The fear of losing him again. The fear of _him_ losing control again, and miracles rarely ever happen twice. If Kaneki were to lose control again, Touka knew that there would be no chance to bring him back. Because of that, moments like these were devastating for her.

Kaneki was being held by Banjou, helping him stand. Nishiki quickly lends them a hand, Touka approaching with desperation, the shaky tone of her voice asking for an explanation. Even though Kaneki reassured her over and over again that he was fine, that he wasn't _that_ hurt, that it had only been his arm, nothing else… Banjou still gave her the answers that she deserved. He said it hadn't been the CCG, but ghouls. Ghouls attacked Kaneki, the ones who did not want him to represent them, the ones who didn't wish for peace, for a change. Between curious and worried stares from other ghouls around, they took him to his room. In the middle of the way, Kaneki found Sui's eyes watching him with terror among the crowd, firmly holding Hinami's hand. Sui made an attempt to approach, and Kaneki parted his lips to say something, even if he didn't know what to say, but HInami stopped Sui and the others quickly shoved him away towards his room, sitting him on the bed. After chatting for some time, Touka remaining completely silent, everyone left them alone so she could take care of the wound. Kaneki was right, it wasn't that serious, just a deep scratch on his arm that shed a river of blood, but it would heal perfectly within a few hours. However, that didn't stop Touka's gloomy face, the rigid expression that was fighting back the tears, the shiver of her hands as she cleaned the wound and got rid of the blood.

"Touka-chan," he tried to speak, staring at her.

But she didn't stare back.

“Can’t you just…” she simply spoke, swallowing hard. “... not… go out like this again?”

His eyes fell on her hands, trembling as she covered his wound with the gauzes.

“Touka — “

“You can send someone else, it doesn’t have to be you,” she insisted, voice growing desperate.

He sighed.

“You know I can’t do that.”

Touka’s hands stayed still for a moment, staring at the covered wound. Kaneki lifted up his gaze to look at her, the way he couldn’t hear her breathing anymore, the way her lips trembled when she secured the gauze over his shoulder one more time, and moved away, nodding softly.

“Yeah,” she muttered, almost to herself.

She turned around to get rid of the stained gauzes when she stopped at the sight of Sui at the entrance, unsure of entering inside. Touka looked at him with her heart on her throat, unable to swallow it, feeling it choking her. Sui wasn't looking at her, he was keeping his eyes on Kaneki.

“Sui,” Touka said, trying to force a tender smile. “It’s okay, come here.”

Kaneki gave Sui a tired smirk, sighing.

"Yeah, sleepyhead,” he reassured. “Come here.”

Sui gave a few steps forward, blinking softly, and drifted his eyes away from Kaneki’s wound to follow the sound of Touka’s voice.

“Hey,” her smile was sweet, and calming, soft as a summer breeze. “Help me out a little and go grab a shirt for this loser, would you?”

Kaneki watched at the way Sui delivered an awkward nod, and silently headed towards the drawers to search for a t-shirt. He picked up the first one he found, white and soft, and Kaneki saw that Touka wasn’t smiling anymore, not while Sui was giving them his back and she didn’t feel the need to keep pretending. The kid returned with the shirt, dead silent, and Touka helped Kaneki get dressed, employing extra care to be gentle with the wound. Once she was done, Sui approached softly and wrapped his arms around Kaneki’s neck, not caring about the wound on his arm, not caring about anything at all. He hid his face in his neck, feeling Kaneki’s arms envelop him sweetly, stroking his back.

"Hey, it's fine, I'm okay. It's just a scratch, it doesn't even hurt. Look."

Kaneki tried to pull Sui away so he could see the wound, but the grip of his arms around his neck was incredibly strong. Sui was not in a place of understanding. He didn't want to see the wound, he didn't want to hear his dad's reassuring words, probably filled with stupid lies. Sui didn't want to hear his excuses, Sui didn't even want to feel better about it. He kept his arms around Kaneki's neck, not saying anything, holding him as if it was the last time.

There was only one fear that haunted Sui at night. Only one.

The heartbreaking sight was unable for Touka to handle. She packed the gauzes and abandoned the room, giving them some time alone.

Kaneki sighed, giving up, stroking his back gently and placing a kiss on his head.

They remained in that position for quite some time until Kaneki decided that it would be better to lay down, and Sui decided to stay by his side. He rested his cheek on the shoulder that wasn’t injured, staring at the dirty ceiling and feeling Kaneki’s fingers draw slow patterns on his neck, somehow waiting for him to fall asleep, or waiting for Touka to return; in fact, he didn’t know exactly what was he waiting for.

“Dad,” he muttered after a while.

“Yes?”

“We’re friends, right?”

Kaneki’s lips twitched in a smirk, nodding softly.

“Yeah, we are.”

“And we’re always going to be together, right?”

Kaneki swallows, smile softly vanishing.

There was something profoundly disarming about the sound of Sui’s voice, a vulnerability that nothing had to do with the fact that he was only a child. Sui was scared, terribly scared, and for a moment Kaneki felt like the worst father in the world. Shouldn’t that be his job? To make sure his son would never feel afraid? To make him feel safe, and protected, as he never felt as a child? He was all Sui had, the person he looked up to the most, if he wasn’t there to drive his fears away, who else would?

Kaneki sighed, pulling Sui closer to him and stroking his hair. Sui looked at him for a moment before pressing his temple against his, both staring at the dark ceiling, at the walls filled with Sui’s drawings.

“You don’t have to worry about those things,” Kaneki explained, trying to contain the shaky tone of his voice. “I don’t want you to worry about anything at all, sleepyhead.”

Sui blinked, gazing him.

“But… you’re hurt.”

“I’ll be okay. You know that I heal quickly.”

“But,” Sui protested, unable to let it go, stubborn as only a child can be. “What if it doesn’t heal? What if you never heal and you bleed to death?”

Kaneki groaned, laughing at the same time. He looked at his child as if he was the weirdest kid ever.

“What?”

He looked incredibly troubled.

“B-But it’s the truth! It happens in the books Tsukiyama reads to me!”

Kaneki delivered an annoying expression.

“I really need to snatch out those books from you, they’re giving you awful ideas.”

Sui grimaced.

“B-But… I like horror books…”

Kaneki moved so he could face him, stroking his hair again.

“Sui,” he spoke his name with a tender determination. “Do you trust me?”

It took him a minute to respond, but Sui nodded, looking down.

“I do.”

Kaneki smiled softly, pinching his chin.

“More than mom?” he teased, mischievously.

Sui bit his lip, nodding and filled with guilt.

“B-But don’t tell her,” he added.

Kaneki chuckled, brushing his hair back.

“We won’t,” he promised. “Was there any promise that I ever broke?”

Sui shook his head, looking down at Kaneki’s hand.

“Not really,” he stopped, thinking about it for a second. “W-Well, actually… the dog…”

“That’s because we can’t have a dog in here, sleepyhead,” Kaneki said apologetically. “You know that.”

The child nodded, sighing in defeat.

“I know.”

Kaneki stroked his cheek.

“I want you to trust me, Sui, with all your heart. If I tell you to not feel scared, if I tell you that everything is going to be okay, then I want you to trust me. I will always be here with you.”

Sui kept on looking at his hand, blinking in silence.

“But,” he muttered after a pause, frowning in confusion. “You can’t promise that.”

Kaneki felt the urge to nod, to agree with him in every sense. Yes. He knew that. He knew that everything he was saying was _pure_ bullshit, that lying to his son like that wouldn’t increase his trust in him. He couldn’t promise Sui his own safety, no matter how much he tried. Life was not eternal, and death was always waiting at the other side. It was bizarre, to remember how much he wanted to die for then finding himself, several years later, placed in a position where living was all that mattered to him. He would die someday, he knew that; by a wound, or an accident, or old age, one way or another, it would happen. And yet, there he was, lying to his son, making him trust in words that were nothing but a fantasy. Would Sui ever hate him in the future? For lying to him like that? For promising that they’ll always be together?

It didn’t matter, for Kaneki had no shame in dressing Sui’s nightmares in a daydream. His happiness was Kaneki’s only goal in life, protecting his family above anything else. Anything. No matter the cost. No matter the amount of sins he had to carry on top of his shoulders, the blood on his hands…

Nothing mattered when it came to his son.

“No matter what happens,” he whispered, gaining Sui’s attention. “It doesn’t matter how… I’ll always be with you, sleepyhead. I promise.”

Always.

**V.**

The first time Sui releases his kagune, it's only three days later after his father's injury.

He had gotten better, the wound rapidly vanishing away from his arm in a matter of hours, quietening Sui's troubled heart and forcing his childish nature to quickly forget the incident to move on towards another day. He had gotten up early that morning, as he rarely ever did, and found mom awake too, as… he rarely ever did. His father was nowhere to be seen, so she offered herself to prepare his breakfast, failing in the process. Kaneki arrived seconds later, laughing at her disaster, gaining a punch in the arm, and Sui stared in wonder at the way Kaneki took the lead in the kitchen, and asked for Touka's help, and made her laugh with silly puns and a kiss on the cheek. Sui only observed, sitting on the counter, smiling at the way Kaneki would make mom smile. Sui knew he wanted the same thing, to be as nice as he was and make mom happy too. They ate all together once the breakfast was done, although mom and dad only had coffee. And it felt nice. Even if Sui didn't know the reason, it felt nice to be just _them_ , the three of them, sitting around the table and talking about things they wouldn't normally talk about in front of others. They felt like a family.

Soon after that, his father left with Tsukiyama, Hinami took his mom away for a while and Sui was left alone. He wandered around the Ward the few next hours, running from one place to another, jumping into puddles and sticking his head in the sewers to scream and hear his voice become a distant echo. He loved doing that. The Ward was big, dark and full of mysteries, it was impossible to get bored inside that place, and he was happy that it was his home. After all, it was the only thing he knew. He lost the count of how many hours he spent that way, exploring the place, until he stumbled upon some kids who were playing with pipes, using them as swords and chasing one another. Sui stared, smiling softly. Some of them were one of the new kids that had arrived weeks ago, the Ward was always welcoming new ghouls in, especially children.

Sui approached, seeing them stop once they heard him arrive.

"Oh, it's Sui."

He delivered a kind smile.

"What are you playing?"

One of the kids exchanged a stare with a girl.

"Knights."

"Can I play too?" Sui asked.

The girl with the braids smiled, nodding softly, but the other girl, the one with the pigtails, approached with furrowed brows.

"No, go away," she demanded. "Only ghouls can play."

Sui frowned, not understanding. Ghouls?

"I'm a ghoul too…"

The boy beside her arched a brow in confusion. He was a bit older than them.

"You're not a ghoul, dummy. You're half-ghoul, but you can eat human food so you're more human than ghoul. We don't play with humans, they're the reason we're here."

But… but that wasn't true. He was a ghoul too. He needed to eat human flesh as well, he would even crave for it sometimes. His dad was a half-ghoul too, and everybody considered him a ghoul. He could use his kagune, and he was the one-eyed king. Besides, what did they mean with _here_? This was their home. What was wrong with the Ward? It was a nice place, and big enough for everyone to fit. They were all a family, right? That's what his dad always told him.

"B-But…" Sui started, confused. "My dad says that I —"

"Oh, so you believe everything your daddy tells you?" the boy mocked, throwing the pipe to the ground and giving one step closer, forcing Sui to step back. "He's an idiot. He's friends with the doves, a real ghoul would never have a dove as a friend, they can't be trusted."

The girl with the braids looked troubled.

"But he's the one-eyed king."

"So what? That's not even a real title, he's not a real king," the girl with the pigtails protested. "He's a criminal. My dad says that the doves should have killed him after he nearly destroyed the entire city."

What?

Sui gasped.

"T-That's… that's not — "

"What? You didn't know? Your father turned himself into a giant worm and killed thousands of people five years ago, everybody knows that."

"Yeah, her wife too."

Sui's face rapidly started to burn at the mention of his mother. He didn't realize he had angry tears coming out from his eyes until he yelled at them, giving one step forward despite his small appearance.

"That's not true! My mom never killed anyone!"

The boy looked at him as if he was a weirdo.

"Huh? Are you stupid? Your mom was _rabbit_ , everybody knows that. She killed many investigators."

No, no… that wasn't… that couldn't…

The girl nodded.

"Her brother too, right? Wasn't he in Aogiri Tree?"

"Shut up!" Sui pushed the boy, throwing him to the ground.

The two girls gasped, approaching to help him stand, but he stood up by himself, angry as hell. He walked towards Sui and punched his face, throwing him to the ground too. Sui yelled, his face crashing to the floor, moaning in pain. No one, ever in his life, had ever raised a hand to him. His mom used to drag him by his ears sometimes when he wasn't being a good boy, but that only made him laugh rather than cry. And now, he was sobbing. His face was small and delicate, and the hand of that kid was heavy and bigger.

"Is that all you got?" the kid threatened. "You are a _ghoul_ , aren't you? Shouldn't you be stronger?"

The girl with the braids sobbed too.

"Leave him alone!"

"Shut up!" the kid yelled back, kicking Sui's leg. "Come on! Fight back if you think you're so brave!"

The girl with the pigtails laughed.

"He's crying because his daddy isn't here to protect him. I don't need my dad to protect me, he taught me how to use my kagune."

The kid turned around, surprised.

"Wow… really? Can you release it for real?"

The girl nodded, proud of herself.

"Yup. Wanna see?"

Sui stared at the way two long brown tails came out from the girl's back, her eyes rapidly activating her kakugan as the other boy yelled in surprise, excited. Sui didn't know much about kagunes, but for what Saiko had told him, the ones that came from the lower back were bikakus, and the girl seemed to be one of them. Sui screamed, scared, as he tried to stand up, but the girl pushed him towards the wall with her kagune, pressing his chest.

"This is how ghouls defend themselves," the girl said. "It's unfair that your father doesn't let us use our kagunes, it's not fair that he has us down here when we should be up there. No one wants him, look at what happened the other day, he came injured because the ghouls from the outside don't want him to be our king. and I don't want you to be my _princess,_ half-freak!"

She pushed him against the wall again, gaining a gasp from Sui.

"Let me go! Mom!" he screamed, hoping that she would hear him, but that made the kids laugh even more.

"He's calling for his mommy!"

"Does the _princess_  want her mommy?"

Sui groaned, trying to break free.

"Shut up!"

Everything happened too fast after that.

The only thing Sui was able to clearly remember was a pain in his back, the feeling of something ripping his skin apart. The kids screamed when something sharp and red came out from Sui's back and sliced the girl's throat, the action forcing her to step back and hold her neck with horror in her eyes. The boy caught her in his arms, scared as hell as their eyes traveled towards Sui's kagune, his red eye shining brightly in the dark and with a flabbergasted expression to what he had done. Sui didn't even have time to process the fact that he released his kagune for the first time, because the wing on his back and the tentacles quickly vanished before he could say anything. The girl's appalled expression fell on him, tears and blood choking her as the other kids ran towards them, looking at Sui as if he was a monster.

"You…"

Sui gasped, horrified. Did he…? Did he kill her?

The child tried to speak, more blood coming out from her mouth.

No… no…

No.

This… this couldn't be happening, this —

"You monster!" the boy yelled at him, eyes also starting to recollect glassy tears. "She's dying!"

And, you see, there was only one thing that Sui could do, the only thing a child could've done, too scared to face the consequences of his actions.

Run.

And he did.

Without even thinking about it, scared to even ask if the girl was fine, scared to act as the _prince_  he was and help his people, just as is father would have done, he ran away. He turned around and his steps led the way, hearing the kids screaming at him, and then mentioning the fact that they had to ask for help, search for someone else, and the thought of his parents finding out what he had done increased his fear, increased the speed of his escape, sobbing and not knowing where he was heading to. The 24th Ward was huge, and there were many parts of it where Sui was not allowed to go, places too dark to even have the courage to discover them. Sui knew he was entering those places once the light suddenly started to fade away and all he could distinguish was darkness.

**—o—**

The news spread out fast, and Touka is the first one to find out.

Nishiki came running to her cell, telling her that one of the kids came injured from one of the tunnels, accusing Sui of being the responsible, that he was missing, that they couldn't find him, that they've been searching for half an hour now and there was no sign of him. For an instant, Touka thinks she's about to pass out. Her hands tremble when she abandons the cell, following Nishiki and desperately looking around as if she was expecting to find her son there, playing in a corner or following people around as he always did. The thought makes her release an involuntary sob, tears that she quickly wipes off with her forearm. She's never felt so scared in her entire life.

Touka finds Yomo, Kaneki and Tsukiyama gathered around the kids, surrounded by other people ready to receive Kaneki's orders.

"He attacked her! With his kagune!" the boy explains to Kaneki, terrified as Banjou holds the wounded girl in his arms, kneeling on the ground and trying to save her life.

Touka stops once she arrives with the group, shocked by the boy's confession.

"He doesn't…" she swallows, breathing furiously, gaining everyone's stares. "He doesn't have a kagune ye —"

"He does, he has two!" the kid says.

T-Two?

Touka and Hinami, who is also in the crowd, exchange an alarming look.

Was… was he a…?

The girl beside him slightly steps aside, sobbing.

"He did it because you bothered him!"

Touka looks at the boy, who quickly stares down and gains a slight push on his shoulder by Ayato.

"You… fucking brat, what did you say to him?" Ayato groans, forcing Kaneki to stand up and scratch his head in anger.

Touka could see it perfectly. He was really, _really_  angry.

"We'll solve this conflict later," he speaks, the voice of a King making itself hear around the room. "Now I want everyone looking out for him. Search everywhere, every hiding spot you can find, every tunnel, every sewer, he's small and he could have found a place to hide. We'll split into three groups, Yomo-san, please stay here in case he returns."

Yomo nods.

"Alright. Let's go!"

With Hinami leading Kaneki's group, making use of her unique abilities, she leads the search by tracking Sui's scent, but not even the fact that Hinami reassured them that she could do this, that she could smell something in the air, helped Touka relax and think that they could find him. What if the kids lied? What if they hurt him too? The Ward was huge, five years living inside this place were not enough to fully memorize it, and each time Touka's lips shouted Sui's name, it became more broken than before, more hollow. This wouldn't be happening if it wasn't because they lived down here, if it wasn't because Sui had to share a home with kids who didn't like him, kids who would bother him in any chance that they'd get. This wouldn't be happening if Touka was a better mother, someone with enough tools to provide Sui the childhood he deserved, the life she had wanted ever since she was born. But she was useless.

Touka sobs again, screaming at his name, holding a lantern and feeling her heart ready to jump out of her chest. They searched everywhere. All the rooms, all the places he used to visit, until they suddenly found themselves digging deeper into the tunnels, getting lost inside the massive labyrinth that the Ward had to offer, making her feel anxious at the thought that Sui might be out there somewhere, alone, in complete darkness. He loved horror stories, he loved the Ward because it looked exactly like the spooky places he used to read, but she knew, deep inside, that _this_  kind of dark wasn't a pleasant one. She knew that he was scared, she could feel it, and the thought only made things worse.

They kept on searching for almost three hours. Three fucking hours, until Touka stopped for a second, submerged in darkness and resting her back against a damp wall, shivering from cold and pain, allowing her hand to fall down on her belly, firmly keeping it there for a few minutes. Was she… trying too hard? No, no, she wasn't. She still felt like she wanted to pass out, but she believed it was due Sui's situation and not because —

"Hey," Kaneki's voice rapidly forces her to pull her hand away from her stomach, letting it fall next to her hips. Touka lifts up her eyes, he's holding a lantern as he comes closer. He looks tired as hell, bitter and pale, hair slightly damp from the water pipes around them. "You should go back, I'll stay here searching with the others."

Touka keeps her eyes on the floor, holding her breath.

"It's been three hours."

Kaneki doesn't hold himself back and his hand quickly travels towards her head, gently stroking the hair on her nape, making her close her eyes for a moment.

"We'll find him, Touka," he firmly speaks, the quiver of his words reach out her ears. "Hinami says we're close, it's going to be alright, and then — "

Touka sighs, opening her eyes, features slowly wrinkling.

No, it wasn't going to be alright. Because it wasn't just _this_ , there was so much going on, so many things at the same time that during instants Touka feels unable to breathe, unable to wake up every single morning, unable to function as she always did. Kaneki notes the way her expression changes, and the grip of his hand on her nape increases, a gentle way to let her know he's there.

His lips part to speak, but Touka is quicker, and she speaks first.

"Kaneki," she whispers, eyes landing on him, swollen from her tears. "I have to tell you something."

He blinks a couple times, not expecting such words in such a stressful moment. He knows it has to be important for her to bring it up right here, right now, of all moments. His hand abandons her neck, and for an instant, he fears her answer. Kaneki takes a deep breath.

"W-What is — "

"Onii-chan!"

Hinami's voice makes her forget everything she was about to say. Kaneki and Touka's eyes follow the sound of her voice, and she doesn't need to say anything else for Touka to start running in her direction, Hinami's words echoing inside the dark tunnels. "He's here!" she screams, and Touka gasps, desperate, running faster, pushing people along the way. She stops where Hinami is, pointing at a corner with her lantern, where Sui was hidden inside a sewer, soaking wet and embracing his legs against his chest, lifting up his trembling gaze when the light hits his face.

"Sui!" Touka bends down, desperately stretching out her hand for him to grab it, and he does.

He does.

Sui gets out of that ugly place in the blink of an eye and doesn't hesitate to crash into her arms. He sees his dad running towards them, but Sui doesn't pull away. Sui knew, without a doubt, that Kaneki was probably the most important person in his life, but in moments like these, nothing could compare to a mother's hug. Nothing could compare to _his_  mom, and after the terrible accusations those kids made hours ago, after calling her a killer right in front of his eyes… all that Sui wanted was to hug his mother.

"I-I'm sorry, I'm s-sorry," he sobs against her chest, feeling Touka's hands rapidly embrace him, stroke his dirty hair, keeping him as close to her heart as possible. "I w-won’t do it again, I — "

Touka represses a sob, not wanting to scare him away.

"Shh," she reassures, holding his tiny back. She can hear Kaneki speaking with his men on the back. "She's okay, you didn't hurt her, everything is fine… I'm sorry, S-Sui, I'm so sorry."

For a moment, Sui doesn't understand why she's apologizing. She did nothing wrong, none of this was her fault. He doesn't have time to ask once they hear his dad's voice telling everyone it's time to return. Touka slowly pulls away from Sui, wiping his tears _and_  hers, and Kaneki takes off his jacket to dress Sui with it, lifting him up in his arms and letting him rest there against his chest as they return, more calmly this time.

Sui falls asleep in Kaneki's arms on the way home.

**—o—**

Considering Touka's condition: pale skin, swollen eyes, dead expression… he decides to take care of everything once they arrive. He checks up on the injured child, who is okay according to Banjou; her mother offers him a dramatic apology, her father doesn't have the dignity to show up, and he decides he'll figure that out later. Kaneki wakes up Sui and carries him to the bathroom to give him a warm bath and get rid of his dirty and damp clothes. Sui doesn't speak the entire time, not even when he's washing his hair, or when he's drying it, or when he takes him back to his room and lays down in bed with him for a while, feeling his arms holding him real tight, as tight as a five-year-old child is able to, and Kaneki opens up a book and reads it to him, lights off, the gap on the door being the only radiance in the room. Still, Sui doesn't speak. He can hear him sniffing from time to time, and Kaneki's hand gently travels to Sui's head, resting against his chest, and strokes his hair a few times until his childish sobbing stops, and Kaneki can resume the book again.

In the midst of words she cannot hear, Touka slowly peers inside the cell from the outside, the image of Kaneki holding their child in his arms and reading to him grows both a grateful and uncertain feeling inside of her. He's always been an amazing father, way better than she could ever be. Kaneki rapidly catches her presence from a few steps away, realizing that Sui had just fallen asleep, and delivers a quiet nod, a gesture that is trying to tell her that everything is fine, that he has it in control.

But the truth is that he doesn't. None of them do.

Touka gives a faint nod in response, and turns around, going back to their cell. The minutes of loneliness that Kaneki delivers to her inside the cell grants her a few seconds to sit down on a chair, open the last drawer of their small dresser and pull out a wrinkled letter she's been hiding for long weeks, unfolding her with trembling hands, reading words she's memorized ever since she received it.

_Touka._

_I got your analysis, but I thought it would be more prudent to not send it just in case._  
_The results are positive, you are pregnant. I suggest you make a decision soon, otherwise,_  
 _I won't be able to help you, and we need to take action before it's too late._  
 _Once you feel ready, tell Nishiki so I can come over,_  
 _but I would rather have you come to my lab instead, I think it can be more comfortable for both of us._  
 _I'll wait for your answer._  
_Kimi._

_P.S: Nishiki already knows, I'm sorry._

Her eyes aren't even reading the sentences, for she knows exactly what they say. The grip of her hands intensify, the tension of her clenched teeth grows painfully, and Kaneki's steps coming closer from the aisle make her hide the letter in the drawer again, closing it with a sigh. What is she going to do, what the hell is she going to do…

Kaneki enters the room wearing a tired expression and deep bags under his eyes, but they are gentle when they land on her. His features, no matter how angry or tired they look, are always gentle when it comes to her. Sometimes it is hard to understand, even after five years of being together, that even when he's mad… there's still kindness within him, _for_ her. Even in the worst moments, he always has a gentle smile in store even when Touka is unable to return the gesture. He gives one step, staring at the way she gets up from the chair, the room suddenly feeling smaller than ever.

"He fell asleep," Kaneki whispers, giving one step closer.

Touka nods softly, biting her lips.

"What are we gonna do with the parents of — "

Another step.

"You won't do anything," he explains, firmly this time, and both hands raise up to reach her head, stroking her hair in an attempt to secure it behind her ears. Touka closes her eyes at the feeling, and when she opens them again, they're staring at the closed drawer, at the secret she's keeping inside. "I'll take care of everything tomorrow. I just want to know if you're okay."

Then, without a warning, the hands that held her hair fall onto her cheeks, and he pulls her against him for a kiss. She tries to speak, but he doesn't let her. He's kissing her, softly at first, with a hunger that slowly grows, revealing his intentions when his hands skim down her waist and press her body against his, as he does when he needs her, as he does when he's trying to tell her what he wants, as any man would do after such a traumatic day: to seek for the affection of his lover, but Touka feels unable to follow. Her mind is still locked up inside that drawer along with the letter, and her hands try to gently push him away, but he doesn't give up.

"K-Kaneki…"

"You said… you wanted to tell me something," he whispers against her lips, opening them softly to take her mouth in a firm stroke, the heat of his breathing filling her broken lungs.

How?

How can she tell him that she's pregnant, and that she doesn't want to raise her child inside this horrible place again? How can she tell him that she wants a home? A real home? How can she tell him that she feels like the biggest piece of shit, an ungrateful woman who's unable to enjoy what she has because she wishes for more? She wants to get out of this place, she wants a house, a real house, with windows, with light, even if it's small, even if it's broken, she wants a proper place to stay, away from curious stares and judging eyes, a bigger bed where she could comfortably sleep in his arms, an empty place where people wouldn't be constantly interrupting them and taking his time away from her. A place where Sui wouldn't be hurt like he was today, a place where he could live as a normal child, even if he was not normal at all.

How… how could she make him understand that?

It was pointless to even try.

She doesn't realize that she's trembling. Kaneki's lips travel through her jaw, taking her lower lip between his as the speed of his breathing increases, his hands slowly getting rid of her sweater, throwing it to the ground. He can feel her lack of cooperation, and tries harder, he really does. His lips kiss hers gently, his hands hold her tighter, the hunger is taking over the room and Touka can see how hard he's trying, and that only increases the guilt in her gut. He hasn't touched her in weeks, long weeks, and she wonders why they're only prone to make love when a tragedy happens, when sex is only something that flows when they need comfort, not something they seek when there's some time to waste. Making love didn't feel like it used to, not anymore. Having sex with Kaneki used to be all about _fun_ , about avoiding responsibilities solely to gather ten minutes together, about impatiently waiting for the day to end and so his duties, so she could sneak out into his room and show him how much she'd missed him. But things changed, and the routine down here became a painful monotony, and Touka couldn't blame anyone else but the Ward. Being down there for too long transformed them into _this_ , they were young, they were still way too young to be stuck like this, to feel the way they do.

Her chest aches painfully when his tongue delves inside her mouth, when she finds herself kissing him back and wanting to walk away at the same time, when he forces her to step back a little until her hips hit the edge of a small black table in the room, and suddenly he's taller than her, having to lean down his head to reach the softness of her lips.

It shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't be this way.

"You haven't…" she tries to whisper between his lips, slightly pushing his chest so he can let her speak, but his mouth ignores her rejection. "You haven't touched me in weeks."

It's not something she'd planned to say, even if she thought of it, but Kaneki's mouth makes her vulnerable, his hands sinking underneath her shirt make her think and say things she can't control, and for a moment she doesn't regret, perhaps she doesn't even want to. She wishes he would realize, by himself. That he would notice the slight changes, a spark that is slowly dying. Not between them, but _around_  them, and the darkness is covering them completely, and they're doing nothing about it. Nothing at all.

Kaneki stops his lips only for a second, trying to restrain his agitated breathing, and his hands lift up to brush her lower lip with the pad of his thumb.

"I'm touching you now," he decides to mutter, his eyes filled with a grief she doesn't dare to contemplate.

And that appears to be the only answer he has when he kisses her again, harder this time, as if he wishes that she wouldn't interrupt him again with anything else, as if he was afraid that her words could ruin an atmosphere that pretended to be something that was not. Breathing each other's breath, feeling each other's lips, pretending to be closed when the reality couldn't prevent them from feeling a large distance interposing in between. Thinking was for later if things could be momentarily fixed with sex, at least that's what he always did.

Her hands are on his chest when she shakes her head, defeated by her feelings, and looks to the side just when Kaneki aims his mouth to hers, failing in the process. Their kiss resonates in the air when it finishes, when Kaneki sighs and his forehead is slightly resting on her temple, debating between try to kiss her again and ask her what's wrong, even if he has a vague idea of it. She's looking down, breathing heavily and frowning deeply, as if rejecting his kiss had taken a huge amount of willpower from her. Kaneki cups her cheeks in his hand, trying to make her look at him, but she resists.

"Touka — "

She takes his wrists, pulling them down.

"I'll take a shower," she mutters, avoiding his gaze, and the softness she employs when fading the grip of her hand on his wrist slowly breaks him.

He doesn't even turn around when she walks away, leaving him standing with her taste still hanging on his lips.

**—o—**

The next day, Sui wakes up sick as hell.

The bed, the sheets, his clothes, his hair… everything was soaking wet. Touka found him that morning unable to open his eyes, shivering as he always did when the fever was too aggressive, when he was unable to even part his chapped lips and explain what he was feeling. His back was red, there where the kagune should be, and hunger seemed to be the last of Sui's concerns. On top of everything that was happening, the heavy burden she'd been carrying for several weeks… this was the last thing Touka needed right now. The last one.

She remained in Sui's room the entire day, not daring to even walk out to grab some coffee, or eat something, or go to the bathroom. Kaneki stayed with her the whole time, damping clothes in cold water to place them on Sui's forehead and help alleviate his temperature, but neither of them shared more than a few words and the incident of last night wasn't even mentioned. They barely spoke to each other, but Touka could feel his gaze upon her the entire time, as if he was doubting for a moment, debating himself between saying something, anything, or leave it for later. It drove her insane.

Kimi arrives hours later once Sui's fever decides to abandon his body, leaving him breathless and weak, shivering from the cold that all those damp cloths Kaneki placed on him provoked. She exchanged a worried look with Touka once she entered the room, Nishiki leaning against the door with a tired expression and staring at the way Kimi leaned in front of Sui's bed, the entire room succumbing into a profound silence as she worked on their child like so many times before. She took his temperature with her thermometer, lifted up his shirt to inspect the area Touka mentioned looked red and irritated. She also checked the color of his eyes, his breathing, his heartbeat, and then she stopped, putting aside her instruments to blurt out a deep, heavy sigh, looking up at Touka and Kaneki, both standing near the bed and impatiently waiting for her final verdict.

"Kimi?" Touka asks when Kimi stays quiet for a minute, urging her to speak.

Kimi sighs again.

"My… theory is that he got sick from being inside that sewer for too long, it was cold and the water didn't help, he probably just caught a cold, but Sui's defenses aren't as strong as other kids, so things like this can affect him in stronger ways."

Touka hesitates, eyes slowly blinking.

"I… I thought it could also be the fact that he released his kagune and — "

"That too," Kimi agreed, nodding and worried. "He was put under a lot of stress as well, it can certainly be a combination of everything. Look, Touka, I already told you what I think."

Kaneki's eyes rapidly travel towards Touka, not understanding. She didn't answer, so his eyes search for Kimi's face, making her aware of his unawareness. The simple thought of it makes her feel slightly annoyed. Kimi gets up from the floor, exchanging a look with Nishiki, silent on the door.

"Look, Kaneki," Kimi starts, scratching her forehead. "Sui is weak boy. His defenses are weak, and… I don't think this place is helping with that. At all."

Kaneki's brows wrinkle in confession. He looks at Nishiki, parting his lips to only release a haunting gasp.

"I…" he stammers, startled. "I don't unders — "

And he doesn't even stop because she tries to interrupt him, but because annoyance takes over her features and forces him to swallow his words, and the fact that Touka doesn't look confused or is trying to ask the same question makes him shiver. In fact, she's staring at Sui with hollow eyes, as if she wasn't even there, as if her ears were completely deafened to Kimi's words. As if she knew exactly what Kimi was about to say.

"The Ward is no place for a child like him," Kimi says, frowning deeply. "Look, I understand the situation, but Sui needs sunlight, he needs its vitamins. He needs to breathe fresh air, stay under the sun, feel warmth. This place is cold, and damp, and dark, the… weather down here is stronger than his weak defenses, this place is not improving his health, but making it unstable. His kagune might have something to do as well, but we won't know until he uses it again. When was the last time he went out?"

Kaneki is speechless. His lips part to speak, unsure of what he's supposed to answer, and his eyes travel around the room trying to find the proper words, trying to _remember_ when was the last time they took him for a walk, not too far away since it could be dangerous. Taking Sui out was always a struggle for him, and sometimes they would only stay at the entrance, not daring to walk a few blocks, or maybe just a quick car ride where nobody would actually see them.

He really, really can't remember, and Touka disrupts him just when he's about to speak, not having idea of what to say.

"Two months," she whispers in a weak tone, still staring at their son.

Kaneki frowns at her, confused. Was it… was it that long? Did —

"You see?" Kimi complains. "I know this is hard, I know that outside is nothing better than down here, but I think you have to come up with something that will improve his quality of life. We're talking about his health, and… I think that should be the most important thing right now."

With that being said, Kimi packs her stuff to leave. Kaneki is left out speechless, not knowing what to say, not knowing where to look at. He hears Kimi's voice saying goodbye to Touka, asking a low _"have you…"_ that Touka rapidly denies with a simple shake of her head, making her sigh and tell them both to call her if they need anything, to keep her updated with Sui's condition, even though she believed that he should feel better tomorrow morning. Nishiki leaves with her and silence reigns in the room until Touka gets up from her chair, and walks away way too fast, and Kaneki can't help but feel the need to follow her since he can sense that something is not right. He gives one last look to Sui, sleeping deeply, and marches on her way to their cell. He finds her taking off her sweater in pure anger, and it only increases his stupid, foolish worry.

"Touka," he speaks. "What's wro — "

Touka throws the sweater to the table, turning around.

"Are you seriously asking me what's wrong?" she yells at him, and it's the first time she yells him for quite a while. Her eyes are swollen and red with tears that Kaneki didn't even know where there, slapping him in the face altogether. "Don't you see? Everything is fucking wrong and you're not doing anything about it."

Kaneki frowns, gasping loudly.

"What — wait — now it's _my_  fault that Sui is sick? Are you — "

What the heck.

Touka gasps ironically.

"No, not at all, nothing is ever your fault. You're the perfect one-eyed king, always doing the right thing, always protecting everyone and saving the day, right? You're… _so_  perfect that I can't even — "

He sighs, slightly irritated. _She's nervous_ , he tells himself. _She's nervous, be patient,_  he repeats, and gives one step closer, hands slowly raising to grab her shoulders.

"Touka-chan — "

But she shoves them away, giving one step back.

"It's been five years, Kaneki," she complains, and her words come out in a broken sob. He stops his hands in the middle of the air, not expecting that reaction from her. Why… why was she… "Five years. I'm… I'm tired."

She bites her lip and rapidly wipes her tears with her forearm, looking away, almost ashamed of showing herself like this in front of him, but her emotions were overflowing like a wild river, unable to stay still.

"Five years of being inside this place… it wasn't…" she wipes another tear, making his heart throb furiously. "It w-wasn't supposed to be this way."

Kaneki's face is a true poem. Parted lips that can't form the proper words, trembling hands that can't find the courage to reach out to her and touch her, even if she might reject him. Touka is strong, always enduring everything like the tough one she was, and even after five years… five years, it was still hard for him to get used to this side of her. Her vulnerable side, the side of a woman who had enough.

"You know that this is the only place where we can stay," he explains, softly, words feeling bitter in his own tongue. What a lie. "We are not allowed to go out, this is the only place that is safe for — "

Touka sighs, gasping in frustration.

"I know that!" she yells, wiping her scarlet nose. "But it's not fair! It's not fair that I can't take my son out for a walk, take him to a Zoo, to a park, to eat ice cream, to play like any normal child. There are so many things he doesn't know, Kaneki, so many things he hasn't seen, and I'm tired of having to explain them to him when he could see them for himself."

"Touka-chan…"

"This place is suffocating us, I haven't… I haven't stared at the sky in months," she sobs, looking down in defeat. "I… I'm tired. I want to have a real place, with _you_ , and… even pretend that we are like a family for once, that — "

 _Like_  a family?

Kaneki disrupts her with his own anger and frustration also increasing their volume.

"Do you think I don't know that?" he's angry and desperate, as he rarely ever is, and that only make her tear up more. "Do… do you think I enjoy living in this place? Do you think that I like it? I haven't… I haven't had a time with you alone in _weeks,_ Touka-chan. I can't even spend time with Sui without being interrupted by someone else. I'm tired of this too, I'm tired of sharing a home with a bunch of people I don't even care about, people who dare to try to hurt _my_  son in front of my face, and expecting me to not do anything about it. This is not what I wanted either, but it's the only thing we have, it's the only thing that will keep you and Sui safe, and I will not — "

"That's bullshit."

Kaneki stops, desperate, trying to remind himself to keep calm, but the way Touka is reacting doesn't help at all. Over the years, Kaneki started to believe that Touka was the only person who was able to both bring peace to his life _and_  shatter his sanity.

He doesn't know what to do anymore.

"What… what do you want from me?" he asks, completely defeated. "Why are you — "

"Because I'm _pregnant!_ " she breaks, breathing heavily, she's not even looking at him. "I'm pregnant."

Oh.

_Oh._

Kaneki stays there, stiff as a statue, mouth hangs open and filled with the words she interrupted, completely forgetting about them because now there was only one thought coursing through his mind. Pregnant. Touka… pregnant. **Pregnant**. A baby. Nine months. _Nine_. Kaneki is shivering, unable to speak, staring at the way Touka covers her face with her hands for a moment, trying to gather more courage, but the tears keep falling, and his eyes can't help but look at her stomach, still flat, and realizing that there's a baby in there. Another one. And that it might probably… probably, be born inside this place. Again.

_Again._

Minutes go by and she can't count them, they seem eternal. She knew that this would happen. That the moment where she would tell him that she was pregnant wouldn't turn out in a happy situation. She had to do it in the middle of a fight, with Sui being sick, with both being sick of this mess.

Touka swallows, sighing, slightly stepping back to rest against the table and breathe. She stays quiet for some time, holding her breath. As she looks down, she realizes how hard her hands are gripping the edges of the table, her knuckles turning white from the force. She releases them, repressing a sigh.

"I… I was going to tell you."

"When?" he rapidly asks, and for a moment Touka has the impression that he's reproaching that to her.

She can feel his gaze on her the entire time.

"Everything was fine… I was doing fine, until I found out about it. I don't want to go through the same thing again, Kaneki. I can't stand the idea of raising a child inside this place one more time. And… I'm tired of you always keeping that bullshit about protecting us," she raises her voice a little, getting impatient. "Look at what happened with Sui. Is this place really safe? If it's damaging his health? If it's forcing him to use his kagune when he doesn't want to? Against kids who live _here,_ where he should be safe? If his own people hurt him then I don't think this place is safe at all."

"Fine," he complains, starting to lose it. He gives one step closer. "Then you tell me what should we do, what's your plan? Do you even have a plan?"

He doesn't even mention her pregnancy, he barely asks questions about it, and that seems to irritate her.

"I don't know, _you_ are the one-eyed king, aren't you? You come up with something."

Her words slightly hurt him.

"That's not fair, Touka."

And she hurts him again.

"I just wish you would stop acting like the _king_  for a second, always ensuring _everyone's_  safety, and act as a father."

Silence.

Both realize the meaning of her words, how heavy they feel in her mouth, how heavy they feel on his shoulders. Touka is aware of what she just said, and even though she knows that she will probably regret tomorrow morning, there's no point in apologizing now. Not when the anger is still overflowing between them, creating a gap in the middle that pretty much resembles how it used to be back then when they first met. Kaneki is not looking at her, she's not staring back, and after realizing that Kaneki had nothing else to add, nor did she, Touka sighs, turning around to grab her pillow on the bed.

"I'll sleep with Sui tonight," she says, walking out of the room as fast as she can.

Kaneki curls his hands into fists as Touka abandons the room, his joints popping out from the pain. And it still surprises him that these are his hands.

In the dim of the room, Kaneki swallows again.

—o—

Sui slightly opens his eyes when Touka makes herself a spot in his bed, placing her pillow on the mattress and covering herself with some blankets.

"M-Mom?" he asks, rubbing his eyes.

"Sorry. Did I wake you?"

He shakes his head, delivering a slow yawn.

"No, it's fine."

Touka makes herself comfortable, turning around so she can face him. Her hand travels to his forehead, trying to feel if his temperature is okay and brushing his hair back a little.

"How are you feeling?"

In the dark, Sui touches her hand. The gap from the door delivers a spark that lands right on his face.

"I'm good," he yawns again, getting himself comfortable so he can see her face. His eyes are swollen, and his cheeks shine in a pale red, but his expression looks way much better than how he did before. "Why did you brought your pillow?"

Touka takes his fragile hand, tenderly playing with his fingers.

"I wanted to sleep here tonight."

Sui delivers a confused expression.

“And dad?"

It takes her a moment to answer, still looking at Sui's hand.

"He…" Touka swallows. "He had work to do tonight so I didn't want to stay in the room alone."

Sui doesn’t say anything. He simply nods, looking at their united hands, probably too pleased with the idea of not having to sleep alone, or probably too confused to step out of his innocence and ask if there was a different motive for her presence, since mom wouldn’t usually stay in his room and leave dad alone, even if he was working. She would bring Sui to their room, or Sui would stay up till late with them. But even if he was clueless, Touka used to stay here when he wouldn’t notice, too deep in his slumber to care. She would sit on the bed, and look at him, simply look at him, allowing her cruel imagination to flow and fill her with cruel ideas of a cruel future.

His moment of silence is the opportunity that Touka needs to start with her questions. She has to ask. The grip of her hand increases a little, making him look up at her.

“Sui,” she whispers, solely for him. “What exactly happened yesterday?”

At the mention of it, Sui quickly lowers his gaze, frowning a little. He hadn’t spoken about it since it happened, and Touka didn’t want to hear the other kid’s story, she wanted to hear it by Sui himself, who wasn’t a liar, who knew would speak the truth, just as she always taught him.

“I…” he starts, stopping for a second. He’s still not looking at her. “They… they were saying bad things about you and dad.”

Her heart noisily throbs inside her chest, and lets go of Sui’s hand when the impulse of turning her hands into fists takes over her body.

“What did they say?” she insists, not realizing the shaky stutter of her voice.

Sui looks terribly ashamed.

“They said dad is not a real ghoul, and neither am I. They said he turned into a big worm and destroyed a city and that you were a rabbit and that — “

He stops immediately when he hears her mother mutter a shaky _fuck_ and lifts up her hands to cover her face for a couple seconds, as if she was trying to keep herself calm and not scream against the pillow. Sui looks at her, troubled, but her reaction makes him believe that she’s probably on his side. However, guilt overcomes him, and seeing his mom so worried about it makes him sniff, not even realizing his vivid desire to cry again. Was she mad now?

“I-I’m sorry,” he apologizes, forcing Touka to pull her hands away from her face and look at him. “It — it was an accident. They pushed me, I don’t know how it happened, how I used my… _thing,_ but — “

Touka sighs, softly grabbing his hand again. She shakes her head.

“Don’t be sorry. I know you didn’t mean it. The first time I used my kagune… I didn’t know how it happened either, it just… happened. Sometimes it’s not something you can control, not at your age at least.”

Sui looks down, avoiding her gaze.

“I don’t like it,” he confesses, ashamed. “Using it.”

She nods, brushing his hair.

“You don’t have to use it if you don’t want to.”

Sui’s eyes fall shut, frowning.

“But… but then they’ll say that I’m not a gh — “

“Hey, listen to me,” Touka’s hands grab his cheeks more firmly this time, forcing him to look at her. He does, unsure. Touka’s voice is firm and steady. “You are a ghoul. Half or not. In fact, it doesn’t matter what you are. You don’t have to listen to them, you have to listen to _me_.”

The words of his mother encourage him to keep speaking, revealing more details.

“Tamiko’s dad said that the doves should have killed dad.”

Touka stays silent, clenching her teeth, feeling the impulse to break something apart. Did he say that? Did he actually, _actually..._ say that? The anger in Touka’s eyes is more than palpable, even under the dim of the room. She would definitely make sure to take care of that asshole tomorrow. How could it be possible that they were allowing ghouls like that to join them? Ghouls that would smile in your face but talk shit behind your back? Ghouls that were able to stab you in the back when you weren’t looking?

It wasn’t fair.

“Sui, listen to me,” she speaks, and Sui listens, blinking softly. “If any of those kids bother you again, you have my full permission to punch them.”

Sui gasps, as Kaneki would have done, horrified by her suggestion.

“W-Wha — “

“Right in the face,” she encourages, angry and unable to contain herself. “They can’t treat you like that, you can’t let _anyone_ ever treat you like that. You can’t use your kagune, but a punch in the face will teach those… ugly brats some manners.”

“B-But — “

“The world is cruel, Sui,” she explains, and by the tone of her voice, Sui realizes that… she’s not actually joking. She’s dead serious. “There are many bad things out there that you don’t know, and I’m not always going to be there to protect you, dad is not always going to be around. You have to learn to defend yourself, to answer back. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you don’t deserve to live.”

Sui listens, and stays silent for a while, reconsidering her words. He can’t help but think of dad, the face he would be making if he’d hear mom’s words right now, encouraging him to _punch_  someone in the face. How scandalous! He would never allow that, but Sui can’t help thinking that it’s a very tempting idea, and if mom is _actually_ allowing him to do that…

His brows wrinkle when a new idea comes to his mind, seeking for more answers.

“Have you ever felt like that?”

“Like what?” Touka wonders, suddenly confused.

“Like you don’t deserve to live.”

Her lips part softly, releasing a silent gasp that leaves her speechless. But Touka is not like Kaneki. She won’t cover her son’s eyes, hiding the atrocities of this world from his knowledge. She wants to prepare him for the bad things, prepare him in a way that her father never did. During her entire childhood, life was bright and harmless until her father died, and reality hit them like a splash of cold water, washing two unprepared kids in fear, and doubt, and rage. She can’t let that happen to Sui. She can die tomorrow and leave him alone with all the questions that she had when her father died, unable to find the right answers, leading her to a path she never wanted to follow. Life was not a fairytale, and her son needed to understand that at a young age.

“Yes,” she finally answers, nodding, and the sadness in Sui’s eyes is something that makes her heart flutter. He’s such a gentle, compassionate kid. Always feeling sorry for others, always worrying about everyone’s feelings, muttering a hushed _I’m sorry_  before eating his meat; too ashamed of being heard by his mother. His empathy is inspiring, and sometimes Touka wishes she could learn from him. “I’ve felt that way many times.”

Sui frowns, confused, biting his lower lip and hesitating before asking.

“Did they…” he pauses, searching for the proper words. “When they said you and dad… that you were a rabbit and he — did they — um — that you… killed and — “

Now, this was the kind of question Touka had trouble answering. She breathes softly, shutting her eyes and searching for her inner strength. She can’t lie to him, she can’t hide this from his ears if he’s going to find out from someone else anyway.

“What… you did yesterday, it was an accident,” she explains, gaining his full attention. Touka swallows, holding his hand. “In the past… I’ve had accidents too. I needed to protect the people I loved, and sometimes you don’t have another choice. Your dad… he… he did a lot, to keep us safe. One day, you’ll have to make those decisions too, if you want to protect the people you love, sometimes you won’t have a choice, Sui. But that doesn’t mean you’re evil, it’s just....”

She stops, having no idea of what she’s saying, if it’s the right thing to say, if it’s something a child of his age could possibly understand, but it’s the only answer that she has, and as she speaks, guilt overcomes her, the words she spoke to Kaneki minutes ago feel heavy and bitter on her tongue. _He did a lot to keep us safe_ , and the only thing she knew how to do well was to complain, and make him feel like he wasn’t doing enough. Their child was still alive, they were alive, shouldn’t that be enough? The impulse of walking out of bed and search for Kaneki overwhelms her. It wasn’t easy for Touka to admit her mistakes so openly, but the fact that Kaneki was left out alone after she spoke those words… she can’t be a burden, she doesn’t have to be. He’s tired, and exhausted, and there’s a huge pressure on his shoulders, a weight she wouldn’t be able to carry… but he’s doing it for them. For _her._

Sui doesn’t answer, so Touka decides to speak again.

“Do you think I’m a monster?” she breathes softly.

Sui shakes his head immediately, bringing Touka’s hand closer to his face, and Touka pulls away a little to hold his back and drag him near her, embracing his body as Sui’s arms envelop around Touka’s neck, his fingers gently caressing the hair on her back.

“I’m sorry that you had to make hard decisions, mom,” he whispers, almost apologizing for that.

His soft expression reminds her of Kaneki so much. Touka sighs, nodding, the palm of her hand rubbing his back up and down.

“Are you happy, Sui?” she suddenly asks, changing the topic. The question takes Sui off guard.

Touka’s heart softens by the way Sui’s brows arch lazily, and his expression melts in a gentle smirk, that little dimple on the corner of his lips popping out with intensity. There’s so much kindness in his eyes, a purity she’s never seen before.

“Yeah,” he admits with sleepy eyes.

She shakes her head.

“No, but,” Touka sighs. “I mean, in here. Are you happy living in this place? Do you like it here?”

Sui nods, eyes shining brightly as his arms cling firmly around her neck.

“I like to jump on the puddles, and scream inside the sewers because my voice sounds funny. I like when we turn on the candles at night and dad plays with shadows on the walls. Besides, we all live together and there’s a lot of space to run, and I have tons of places to hide when you are mad at me.”

Touka smiles softly, but sadly. Her desperation to give Sui a happy life was blinding her from the reality, a reality where perhaps Sui was already a happy child, in his own weird and twisted way. She was ignoring the notion that… perhaps, she was the one who wasn’t happy in here, and projecting her own emptiness onto Sui was probably not the smartest thing to do.

But… but Kimi said that —

“Mom, what’s wrong?” Sui asks, worried. Touka blinks when Sui’s hand rests on her cheek, and the smile on his face is gone. “You don’t like it here?”

Despite Touka’s insistence to be honest with her child, she can’t bring herself to tell him the truth. Of all the truths she’s told him, this is the only one she can’t confess.

Touka shakes her head, touching his hand in her cheek.

“I don’t care about the place as long as you’re there,” she admits, and the mere idea of living in a place, in a world where Sui doesn’t exist, the mere idea of someone else taking him away from her… she can’t stand it. She just can’t. “I just wanna be where you are, Sui.”

Here, inside the Ward. Or out there, in the world where she so fervently wants to belong. It doesn’t matter.

She just wants to be by his side. Forever.

Throughout the years, Touka had learned the way to live while losing things, to live with the absence of people in her life, silently watching as they walked away, unable to stop them. She was strong, and although the pain many times threatened to break her apart, she always found the way to stand up again and move forward, never looking back. But Touka knew, above all things, that Sui was the only person she was unable to let go. She could lose everyone today, right now, and be able to pick up the pieces all over again. But if Sui were to be taken away from her… she would rather die instead. Once and for all.

Her child smiles tenderly at her words, at the romanticism she employs to use them, at the way she speaks about him, the way she pronounces his name. It gives him strength, to know that she loves him this much, but probably not as much he loves her.

“It’s because of your shop that you don’t like it here?”

Touka frowns, surprised by the sudden question. Even though she didn’t admit it, Sui already knew. He felt it.

“Huh?”

“You don’t like it here, mom,” he explains, tracing her eyes with the pad of his fingers, forcing her to shut her eyelids. He traces a path on her skin, so tenderly it hurts. “It’s because you miss your shop?”

Touka takes his hand away to open her eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“Everyone in here is always talking about your shop,” he explains. “They always mention it. Do you miss it?”

A wave of nostalgia hits her.

Her shop…

She hadn’t returned to that place in five years.

Touka sighs, nodding a little.

“Y-Yeah. I do.”

“What was it like? Your shop.”

There’s a shimmer lingering in Touka’s eyes as she thinks about it. How can she describe her shop to Sui? How can she describe him the importance of that place for her? A shop that was not only a home for Kaneki and the people she loved, but the resurrection of a place that once saved her life, that taught her that it was possible for her to feel normal, to adapt, to belong. She could start from the big windows to the old wooden chairs, or the music she used to play or the lonely nights she spent waiting for someone till the day he appeared; she could describe that feeling to him as well, and how much she cried afterwards, and how happy she was that he kept coming back, and how that place became a meeting point for both. She could tell him about the books she never read, the ones that were there, lying on a bookshelf and waiting just as she was. She could tell him that her shop was the place where she told Kaneki how she truly felt, the place that she kept as her hope, filled with weird decorations picked up by Yomo and empty seats waiting to be used. That familiar scent of coffee beans that she can no longer smell in the Ward, or the plants and flowers she kept alive at the entrance, jasmines and hydrangeas.

There’s so much that she could tell him about :re.

“It… wasn’t very big,” she explains in a whisper, body overflowing with emotions. “But it had the perfect size. It had many windows, and chairs, and books… there was a lot of light, you would have loved it there.”

Sui takes a moment to think, trying to visualize her descriptions inside his head.

“What happened to it?”

Touka drifts her eyes away from her son to stare at the ceiling.

“It’s… gone now.”

Gone.

Sui grimaces, meditating.

“I’m sorry about your shop, mom.”

She delivers a sigh, and a tired smirk.

“It’s okay. It’s not so bad in here.”

“I hope you can get it back someday.”

She nods softly, feeling Sui’s forehead taking rest against her temple, trying to provide some comfort. They stay in silence for a long time until their eyelids betray them and their bodies succumb to slumber, taking them to places that nothing have to do with the Ward. Touka dreams about her shop, Sui dreams of a giant bunny wandering in the Ward, and when the night lingers and the loneliness fills every corner of the room, a third makes its entrance into the cell.

Hours and hours of staring at the ceiling had led him here, because no matter the circumstances, no matter his poor lack of direction, all the roads lead him here, to his family. To Sui and Touka. Kaneki enters the room in complete silence, standing by the door for a moment and gaining a clear vision of them sleeping on the bed, safe from all the things that haunt him at night, the things he doesn’t have the courage to confess out loud to Touka or to anyone else.

And they were no longer going to be three. A fourth was on the way, and Kaneki couldn’t allow himself to fail this time, to be unable to provide them what they truly needed, what they truly deserved. This was no life for a child. He couldn’t have them living down here anymore, he couldn’t risk his son’s health like that, his own son. He deserved better than this, and guilt and sorrow were starting to rain upon him by the idea that for long five years, Kaneki had been unable to provide him anything better than a damp and lightless dungeon.

Things have to change. He has to do something before it’s too late.

Kaneki approaches slowly, without making any sound, and takes the sheets to cover both Touka and Sui, sheltering them from the entire world, even from his own selfishness.

With the pad of his fingers, he gently shoves away the strands of Touka’s hair that fall all over her face, securing a lock behind her ear.

“I’m sorry,” he finally whispers.

**VI.**

The day after, Kaneki finds Touka in the kitchen, brewing coffee in silence and looking way too trapped in her own thoughts. Kaneki stays at the entrance for a minute, scrutinizing her features and the absent way that she stirs the coffee, not even keeping her eyes on the cup. She doesn’t even realize that he’s there until he gives one step, and then another, and then her eyes immediately find him when he walks in. The room is suddenly filled with a choking silence as both stare at each other for a couple seconds, glimpses of their last conversation still flowing in their minds, driving them crazy.

“How is Sui?” Kaneki asks, staring at the distance that keeps them apart, slightly resting his shoulder against the nearest wall.

The lines that trace his worn-out features make him look older than he is. His hands slide to his upper arms, rubbing circles on the skin with the pad of his fingers. She studies him for a while; the tired expression that reveals a sleepless night takes her to her childhood, to the way her father used to look weeks after her mother died. Tired, spent, pale, empty. However, his eyes upon her feel like sharp needles tickling her skin, making her stomach flutter furiously.

Touka sighs, as if the topic is distracting her from something bigger.

“He’s fine, he’s playing with Tsukiyama,” she responds, rapidly changing the topic. “Look, I’m… I’m sorry about — “

“Touka-chan.”

Touka frowns, closing her eyes for a minute, not wanting to get distracted, clearly trying to get rid of the hushed debate she’s having with herself.

“No — just — listen to me for a second,” she stares at him with pleading eyes, and the sound of her voice is dreadful. “Everything I said last night was bullshit — “

“It wasn’t,” he insists, sighing in surrender.

“Yes, it was,” Touka stands away from the counter, trying to get closer to him. “The place shouldn’t matter as long as we stay together, because that’s the only thing I want. To be together, it doesn’t matter where we — “

“But it does,” he disrupts, giving one step. “It matters to me. You were right, whenever I’m wrong, you are right, it has always been that way. We can’t keep living like this, I don’t want to keep living like this.”

She parts her lips to speak, ready to protest.

“But — “

“It’s done, anyway,” he finishes, watching the way she frowns at the comment.

“What do you mean?”

Kaneki takes a moment to answer, taking a deep breath.

“I talked to Marude today. I’m gonna meet up with him in a few hours.”

A shiver runs throughout her spine.

“K-Kaneki — “

“I’ll talk to him, ask for a solution, consider the options… if he gives me any option at all, and find a way to fix this. Hide is coming too.”

Touka looks down, shaking her head and rubbing her eyes. Her chest expands deeply as she inhales.

“Kaneki, you don’t have to do this just because of what I said last night. I was nervous because Sui was feeling like shit but this doesn’t mean that — “

“It’s not just because of Sui, or because of you. It’s because of — “ Kaneki stops, and Touka notices the way his eyes fall on her stomach, there’s a spark of sorrow and something else lingering inside. “How… how long are you — “

“I’ll be reaching the first month in a couple weeks,” her gaze drops to the mug by her side, tracing the rim with the pad of her fingers.

Why does everything feel so… off?

“Have you… does Kimi — “

“Yes,” Touka confirms, nodding. “She knows… and, uh, Nishiki too, but just because he’s a sneaky little bitch, not because I told him. Kimi wants me to meet her soon to take some analysis.”

He remains silent for some time, his bottom lip clenches between his teeth.

“Okay,” he says, nodding softly. “I… I’ll take you with her this week, and after that maybe we can go for a walk with Sui, I can ask Urie or someone else to come with us just in case.”

Touka sighs, feeling guilty that he’s trying to fix everything so quickly, that he’s making all these plants just because of what she told him last night.

“You don’t have t — “

“You heard Kimi, Sui needs fresh air. You will need fresh air from now on, I need fresh air too,” his voice is soft as he speaks and motions to her, reaching out his hand to grab hers, stroking her fingers. “Look, I know that I’m a — “

“My King.”

Touka looks past Kaneki’s shoulder when the voice of one of Kaneki’s men disrupts the moment. He’s standing on the door, serious and ashamed, and Kaneki barely turns around to face him, his expression turning into a tired and annoyed grin.

“Mr. Tsukiyama is looking for you, my King.“

“Thank you,” Kaneki simply answers, and with a ridiculous nod, the ghoul leaves the kitchen. Kaneki sighs, looking at their united hands. “I’ll go and see what Tsukiyama wants and then I’ll meet up with Marude. Just… trust in me. Please. I’ll fix things up.”

Kaneki squeezes her hand one more time when there are no words coming out from Touka’s lips. She doesn’t even know what to say. He delivers a gentle and weak smile before leaving the room, abandoning her with her doubts. Even if she was the one who demanded a solution from him, she can’t help but feel guilty even when she knows that _both_  need to do something about it, that yelling at him for not acting as the _father_  she expected him to be doesn’t make her a better mother at all.

It wasn’t just Kaneki’s responsibility, it was hers too.

Touka spent the next few hours around Sui and taking advantage of the situation to speak with Yomo. In fact, it hadn’t been her intention to have a conversation with him at all, but he only needed one look to know that something was off, that something was troubling her. In the end, he knew her better than anyone.

The moment they shared brought back memories of their old days in :re.

“Do you think I’m being selfish?” she’d asked after confessing him her worries, her discussion with Kaneki, even her pregnancy.

Yomo stood in silence for a while, but his words elevated to the air with a confidence that made his presence something marvelous and respectful.

“When Anteiku was destroyed, all of us scattered in the middle of nowhere… you never thought it was okay for us to stay that way. You said you wanted to build another shop, and even when I was skeptical about it, nothing stopped you from searching what you thought was best for you, for everyone. Despite our circumstances, you never let the world stop you from doing what you wanted. It isn’t selfish to pursue your happiness, Touka. When things were bad, you always found the way to make them better. That’s your job, that’s what a real manager does.”

And she believed him.

Every single word he spoke, it sank deep inside of her.

Was she doing the right thing? Was this the right choice?

Kaneki left the Ward minutes after Touka went outside with Sui and stayed with him at the entrance, trying to make him get some fresh air as Kimi suggested. A car from the CCG arrived, ready to escort Kaneki to his meeting with Marude. Hide was inside the car, waving his hand at her from the window, gaining a weak smile from Touka. They said goodbye after Kaneki entered the car, giving her one last glance before leaving.

In silence, Touka drifted her eyes away to the sky, hoping for a change.

**—o—**

Touka found Kaneki many hours later, when Sui had fallen asleep hours ago and the Ward had been submerged into a sibilant silence. He arrived extremely late at night, and if it wasn’t because Hinami told him that he returned a few hours ago, Touka wouldn’t have even noticed his presence. She told her that she saw him walking way to their room minutes ago, and with a strange feeling in her gut, Touka returned to the cell, finding his silhouette lying on the bed, facing the ceiling.

Kaneki turns his gaze to her when she stops at the entrance, giving an uneasy first step. He didn’t say anything, but his body moves to the side to allow her some space on their bed, and Touka rapidly rushes towards the mattress, releasing a sigh when her head hits the pillow and turns around to face him. They aren’t touching each other, and Kaneki keeps his hands underneath his head.

“Hinami told me you were here,” she mutters softly, blinking with laziness.

It had been a very long day.

“Sorry that I didn’t look out for you when I came,” he explains, rubbing his forehead. “I… I just needed some time on my own.”

“It’s okay,” she adds, shrugging. “I’ve been busy anyway.”

Kaneki gives a faint nod in response, staring at the ceiling. He knows why she’s here, and part of him can’t contain himself when he speaks.

“I spoke to Marude.”

That’s when Touka feels like she’s unable to breathe. She holds her breath as much as she can, trying to act calmly, trying to not look that desperate to know the answer. The truth is, she’d been thinking about it all day. What Marude would say, what Kaneki would tell him, what conclusion would come out of that encounter, and the feeling of not wanting to push Kaneki too far was still lingering inside of her, but curiosity was a powerful desire, and Kaneki could see it in her eyes, the way they shimmered with anticipation, bright and open like the eyes of a puppy.

“S-So…” she started, licking her lips. “What… happened?”

Kaneki allows himself a moment to answer, and she can already tell that he’ll have a lot to say. Whenever he’d stay quiet like that, before delivering an answer… it was because he was thinking too much about it, always trying to find the proper words, especially for her. And Touka waits, and waits, and waits, until he speaks, bustling worlds all over the place.

“There’s…” he pauses, swallows, blurts out a nervous sigh and offers a sad smirk. “There’s a house, in Kamiichi, just a few hours away from Tokyo. It belongs to the grandfather of one of Marude’s investigators, but the old man died some time ago and he doesn’t know what to do with the house, he wanted to put it to sale but the propriety is very old, a traditional house. They… they took me there to give it a look, that’s why it took me so long to return.”

Deep inside, Touka hopes Kaneki won’t hear the furious throbbing of her heart, how it knocks in her chest and threatens to choke her lungs. She’s staring at him as his eyes stay on the ceiling, almost too afraid to move. She swallows.

“You… you saw it?” she asks, and her brows arch at the numb tone of her voice. “How does it look like?”

Then, she sees it. His lips, how they curve and twitch into a sad and hopeful smile, the kind of expression he made the first time Touka grabbed his hand and placed it on her belly to feel Sui moving inside of her.

It breaks her.

“It’s… it’s beautiful,” he sighs, and turns his head to look at her. “Like I said, it’s very old, and it needs some renovations. Painting some walls, some doors are broken and I think some pipes don’t work, Marude mentioned something about hot water not working properly but it’s — it’s very —  I… I wanted to take some pictures to show you but I forgot, sorry. It’s in the middle of a forest, ten minutes following the path will take you to the town, it’s very small and only older people live there, so it’s a quiet place. Away from all this chaos.”

It sounds too good to be true, too perfect to be real. Touka swallows her excitement, all her hopes, and forces her mind to focus on reality.

“Why is Marude offering you this so freely?” she asks, confused. “He’s giving you a house for free. Isn’t that… weird?”

Kaneki chuckles, nodding.

“I don’t think he would have offered anything if it wasn’t because Hide and Urie were there, they pushed him to make a decision,” he explains, eyes softly shining. “It’s not entirely free, though. He said he will not pay for the restoration of the house, they’re only willing to pay the bills. He said he’ll have CCG guards out of the house all day and we’re not allowed to visit the town unless a guard comes with us. If we need to buy something, we’ll have to ask the guards to do it. But I think that if — “

“W-Wait,” Touka stops him, slightly touching his arm. He looks at her, confused at being interrupted. This is crazy. “You… you talk as if we’re already moving there…”

He blinks, not… really following her.

“We aren't’?” Kaneki asks, eagerly turning around to face her. His hand cups her cheek, and there’s a sudden desperation in his eyes. “I… I thought you wanted this, I wanted th — “

It’s too good to be true, she almost can’t believe it. Touka holds his hand on her cheek, and the fact that she’s able to touch him so freely after all the awkwardness from past days is filling her chest with a dangerous joy.

“It’s just…” he stops, hesitating. He sees fears in her eyes. “W-What’s gonna happen with everyone in here? What… what if they think we’re running away to — “

Kaneki shakes his head, smiling nervously and increasing the grip of his hand on her skin.

“We’re not,” he explains. “We’re not running away. I’ll have to return to the Ward every week to see that everything is okay, probably stay the entire weekend too, I won’t abandon them, but that doesn’t mean I’ll have to stay here even when they don’t need me. Tsukiyama, Ayato and Yomo can stay in charge while I’m away, everyone in here is more than qualified to keep this place running.”

Her heart is throbbing so fast that for a moment she thinks she’s about to faint.

“B-But — “

“And even if they complain,” he affirms, clearly this time. There’s a fire in his eyes, it’s burning her alive. “I don’t care. No matter what happens, Sui will always be my first priority. No one can make me choose, because I will always choose him. If they don’t want to stay in here, they’re free to leave, but they know that they won’t survive out there, so staying in the Ward is the only choice they have. They’re safe because I’m letting them stay here, if they appreciate their lives then they won’t dare to question my decisions.”

Touka swallows, unable to form any kind of word. She’s speechless. He’s speaking like a king, with authority, with determination, refusing to let anyone change his mind.

“I told Marude that we would return to the house tomorrow to give it another look and decide what are we gonna do. Let’s take Sui with us so he can see it too and take some air. And then we can stop at Kimi’s place so she can give you a look and make sure this little one is doing alright.”

Her skin shudders when he looks down and his hand rests on her stomach, smiling at the idea for the first time since she’s told him. Touka can’t contain her emotions, so she leans down to bury her face in his chest, wrapping her arms around his waist and closing her eyes deeply. She doesn’t even know what to say when Kaneki’s arms envelop her against his body, feeling the tender stroke of his lips on her head.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m sorry that it took me so long to finally make a decision.”

“It’s not your fault,” she apologizes, releasing a deep sigh, inhaling the intoxicating smell of him. “I should have told you how I was feeling before everything went to hell.”

He sighs too, closing his eyes, burying his face in her hair.

“We’ll be okay,” he reassures.

He would make sure of that.

**—o—**

Touka isn’t sure of how long she stays in front of the mirror, staring at her own reflection and wondering when was the last time that she took the time to look _this_  pretty, to fix her hair in two pigtails and wear a comfy blue overall, a soft white sweater underneath to keep herself warm from the cold winds of winter. Going out was a privilege, and they didn’t do it very often, so wasting her time in makeup or having troubles at picking up her daily outfits was not a bother when you lived inside the 24th Ward. But today… today is different, and she missed it. She truly missed this. Looking at herself in the mirror and feel good, wasting time in her appearance, as she always did in the past. To think if Kaneki would still find her attractive, if he would have something to say about the way she looked today… it fills her with a strange wave of excitement.

And Sui is the first person to notice.

He enters their cell, walking softly, and Touka doesn’t realize he’s there until she feels his arms wrapping around her hips, resting his cheek on the side of her belly and looking at her through the mirror.

He gives her the sweetest smile.

“You look pretty, mom,” he says, and lifts up his gaze to look at her.

Touka chuckles nervously, stroking his hair.

“A-Ah, you think so…”

He nods.

“You should dress like this more often.”

She gives the mirror one last glance.

Yeah. She should.

Touka sighs, looking away and down at Sui.

“I left your clothes on your bed, go get dressed and put on the sweater, it’s cold outside,” she instructs, fixing his hair.

Sui frowns, lazy, and grimaces.

“Where are we going?”

“We are going to see a house,” she says, and the mere idea of it fills her lungs with so much air that she’s unable to breathe. She still can’t believe it.

“A house?” he wonders, confused. “Why?”

“Uh, well,” she bends down to reach his height, still working on his hair. Sui gives her a curious stare. “Because… if it’s pretty enough, then we could probably live in there for some time.”

For some reason, Sui doesn’t look so pleased with the idea. He frowns, extremely confused.

“But why?” he asks, wrinkling his face. “We have a house, we don’t need another one.”

Touka sighs, losing her smile.

“The Ward is not a real house, Sui.”

“Yes it is,” he replies in a harsh tone, frowning in disapproval.

She stares at him for a moment, evaluating his expression. If she kept on talking, he was probably going to throw a tantrum, and she wasn’t the best at dealing with them. Sui could be an extremely sweet young boy, but he could also be the most stubborn and moody, just as she was as a child. She wonders how her parents dealt with her back then without losing their minds.

Touka gets up, scratching her neck.

“Just… go and get dressed, we have to go out today anyway, I have to see Kimi.”

Sui hesitates for a moment, almost as if he wants to keep protesting about it, but he slowly decides to turn around and walk out the room to get dressed as his mom ordered him.

Once they’re all ready, they meet outside to wait for the CCG car to arrive. Kaneki smiles sweetly at the sight of her pigtails, slightly pulling at them to annoy her and once he’s done, she wraps her arms around him to rest her cheek against his chest, staring at Sui sitting on the grass and playing with a leaf, all of them waiting to have a four hour trip to Kamiichi. For some strange reason, Tsukiyama decided to join them, insisting that he wanted to help them economically to fix the damages in the house and see if there were furniture that they needed to buy, that they shouldn’t worry about it since his father was willing to give them a hand too; and to be honest, Touka didn’t find the courage to complain and even if she did, Tsukiyama wasn’t going to change his mind.

The van arrives and with it, Urie and Hide, the driver and some random investigator she doesn’t know. The car is big enough for all to fit, and Touka takes a seat in the back along with Sui and Tsukiyama, while Kaneki sits with Urie and Hide at the front, close to the investigator so they can talk about the house and all of Marude’s conditions, but Touka isn’t really paying attention to their words. As the hours go by, and soon they abandon the city to make way for endless fields filled with deep green grass and a sky so blue that it’s almost blinding. She opens the window, looking at it, feeling Sui sitting on her legs to peer through the window, unsure.

He’s never seen anything like this before. A field, a blue sky without skyscrapers hiding it, there were even animals in the field, she could spot some brown cows and some sheep.

“The sky… it’s so big,” he mutters, looking at it with parted lips unable to close.

She smiles, nodding.

“And look at the animals,” she points out.

“Do they live there?”

“Yeah, this is their home. Maybe we can stop at this place someday to have a closer look, would you like that?”

Sui doesn’t respond, way too distracted with the bright colors from the field, the flowers, the birds flying in the air, and the sight is just heartbreaking. It’s such a simple thing, yet something so unknown to him, who spent the first five years of his life locked up in a dungeon. Touka sighs, and leans to stick half of her face out of the window, closing her eyes at the feeling. She missed this more than anything.

“Mom!” Sui yells, horrified, trying to pull her away. “What are you doing! You’re gonna fall!”

She laughs.

“I’m not gonna fall, silly.”

He doesn’t get it.

“What… what are you doing…”  
Touka keeps her eyes closed, feeling the wind caressing her face.

“I’m feeling the wind.”

Feeling the wind? What was that supposed to mean? It was just wind.

“Why?”

“It feels good. Wanna try?” she asks, opening her eyes to give him an amused look.

Sui hesitates, unsure.

“Is it dangerous?”

She can’t help but blurt out a giggle again.

“Of course it’s not, you weirdo. Come here, I’ll hold you.”

Touka wraps her arms around Sui’s body, helping him stick his head out of the window as the car moves.

“Close your eyes,” she instructs, and he does.

Sui’s eyes fall shut, frowning in confusion until he feels it. The wind, hitting his face at full speed, tickling his skin, fluttering his wild long hair. He can smell the grass, he can hear the sound of the trees dancing above him, the shadows they create on his eyes, the light from the sun infiltrating through the branches, creating funny orange shapes inside of him. He starts giggling.

“It’s — it’s tickling me!”

Touka smiles, and decides to stick out her head too, and they stay in that position for the rest of the hour until they arrive at the town, going back to their places and peering at the place through the window. There were mountains everywhere, snow decorating the highest peaks. Sui leaned back a little, pointing at them and trying to lean closer so he could murmur in her ear how big they were, wondering how scary they would look at night, like big shadows raising in the darkness, like massive monsters lurking in the distance like titans. The town was extremely small, only a few houses and stores decorating the roads, and suddenly they left them all behind to venture inside a road that led them to the forest, a silent path filled with trees that reached the stars.

And then, the house.

It reveals itself in the distance, so slowly that Touka feels like the waiting is going to break her apart. From the front seat, Kaneki turns around a little to give her a quick stare, filled with a spark she hasn’t seen in years, and she can’t help but retrieve the gesture, a nervous smirk making her swallow with impatience. When the car stops, that’s when she loses it.

The path of dry mud extends perfectly before them, delineated by trees and shrubbery to each corner, revealing a lonely cabin that is waiting for them. They get out of the car in silence, closing the doors way too loudly, holding Sui’s hand way too strongly.

The place is beautiful. Simply beautiful.

The roof is low, covered with brown tiles and rows of small windows filling the wooden walls. They were worn and musty, but covered in sliding doors that allowed a promising preview of the inside. The investigator starts to walk, explaining a few things here and there, apparently he was the owner of the house. A small cottage decorates the field a few steps away from the house, the man explained that his grandfather used to have it as a storage room and even had some chickens there in the past. But things start to get better once they enter the house.

They take their shoes off at the entrance, bare feet starting to walk on the tatami floors that decorate every single room. It’s a large space, and many of the furniture are still there, covered with white blankets that Touka pulls away to have a better look. The main living room has its doors completely open, almost as if the walls weren’t there, allowing a full sight to the forest and the garden. Wood stacks support the ceiling and the floors, and the amount of light in there is insane. The bathroom is small too, with an old shower that aims directly at the floor and a wooden bathtub that didn’t have any faucets, apparently having to manually be filled with hot water.

The kitchen is large and filled with windows, a simple sink and wooden counters. It was a very traditional house, nothing like anything she ever had when she was a kid, or when she had her own apartment in Anteiku. However, the simplicity of it makes it look special, intimate, it truly smells like a home. Tsukiyama, however, wasn’t that content about it, since there were plenty of things to fix, but for Touka everything looked perfect. She never thought that a house like this would end up being the house that she wanted to spend the rest of her life in.

They explore the rooms a bit more, still having a conversation with the investigator, listening to Urie’s words coming directly from Marude and all the preventions they have to take if they were going to stay here, however, Sui remained silent the entire time, and once Touka’s excitement calmed down, she realized she didn’t know her son’s opinion.

As Kaneki keeps on talking with Urie, Touka makes a pause to approach Sui, stroking his back.

“Do you like the house, Sui?” she asks, smiling, looking around as she speaks. “It’s really bright, isn’t it?”

He doesn’t respond immediately, but when he does, Touka smiles vanishes away almost immediately.

“I wanna go home.”

She looks down at him, holding her breath.

“Sui — “

“It’s too bright,” he complains, furrowing his brows. “Where are the sewers? The big walls? It’s too small! How is everybody going to fit in here? There are only two rooms, where is uncle Ayato going to sleep? And Yomo? And Tsukiyama?”

Did he… did he actually think that _all_  of them were moving out to this house? Touka sighs, extremely defeated and feeling as her hopes strongly fade away. She doesn’t even know what to say when Kaneki approaches, and he seems to have heard the conversation or, at least, a few Sui’s words. He takes him in his arms, standing in front of Touka.

“Hey, what’s wrong, sleepyhead?”

Sui purses his lips, thinking that his dad would understand him more than Touka.

“I don’t like it, I wanna go home.”

Kaneki smiles, brushing his hair back.

“Ah, come on, this place is really nice, look at that big forest over there,” he says, pointing out the gardens with his finger.

Sui shakes his head.

“I want the big walls.”

“We don’t have big walls here, but we have big trees there, they’re really strong and I’m sure you’re gonna love them at night,” he says, rapidly gazing Touka in an encouraging way. “Maybe we can make a treehouse soon, what do you think?”

Sui blinks, unsure, but looks interested.

“What’s… what’s a treehouse?”

Every time he asks those kinds of questions, it breaks Touka’s heart. But Kaneki smiles again, looking at the trees.

“A wooden house on a tree. It can be your little hiding spot, we can turn on lamps at night and read your horror books together. And, even before the treehouse, we can make a campfire there,” he says, showing him the place. “Come on, let’s keep exploring, I’m sure there’s a spooky place hidden somewhere around.”

Kaneki gives Touka a faint nod, trying to tell her that she shouldn’t worry, that he has it under control, but Touka can’t help feeling like shit, feeling like the dream of a place to share only with Kaneki and Sui, no one else, isn’t going to work out.

Hours pass until the visit comes to an end and it’s time to leave; first, to meet up with Kimi, and then home. Hide takes Sui to the car as Touka and Kaneki leave the house in silence, and she releases a tired groan when Kaneki wraps his arms around her shoulders as they slowly walk to the vehicle.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he reassures.

“He hates it,” she complains, returning the hug. “And I hate that he hates it.”

He gives a faint smirk, kissing her head.

“He’s just a kid, Touka. The Ward is all he knows but he’ll adapt, once he realizes he can have a lot of fun in here he’ll start feeling more comfortable. We just have to be patient.”

Yeah.

She had a lot of experience with being patient.

They enter the car and, this time, Kaneki sits by her side, carrying Sui on his lap. He explains to him the meaning of this house, that the only ones who will live there will be the three of them, that the others need to stay in the Ward and take care of it while they’re away.

“We’ll be coming back to the Ward all the time,” Kaneki explains, stroking Sui’s sad expression. “I still have to take care of it, so every time I leave I can take you with me so you can visit everyone else. We can spend some nights there too, and I’m even willing to let you stay in the Ward by yourself as I return to the house. You’re five now, you can take care of everyone, isn’t it?”

Sui sighs, leaning to rest his head on his chest, unsure of Kaneki’s proposal.

“I’m tired,” Sui complains, closing his eyes.

“The trip is long, take a nap,” Touka suggests, grabbing a jacket to place it on Sui as he lies down in his father’s arms, and Touka decides to imitate him. She rests her head on Kaneki’s shoulder, getting herself comfortable. “I’m gonna take a nap too.”

Kaneki smiles, wrapping an arm around Touka, keeping them both close to him. He looks through the window, the intense blue sky slowly transforming into a pale grey, threatening a storm. He can smell the saltiness in the air.

“Sleep, you two.”

**VII.**

Several weeks later, they finally move out to their new house.

It feels like a dream. Like a blurry, impossible dream that makes Kaneki and Touka question themselves, blink a couple times and wait for something to happen, something that will make them wake up, but none of that happens. This is real, one of the most real things they’ve ever had. Touka’s last analysis with Kimi went great, and although she told her that she wanted to see her often to keep a track of the pregnancy and see how human food was suiting her—she already had started to feel cravings—things were going okay, and she wasn’t feeling so sleepy anymore.

Sui said goodbye to everyone in the Ward, every single ghoul living there, the new ones and the old ones. And as they walked out towards the exit, he stopped for a moment to give it a final look, the last blink of his eyes.

"Goodbye, Ward," he whispered, sighing, and moved to grab Touka's arm, who was staring at him. "Say goodbye to the Ward, mom."

And she did. Her eyes wandered around her. The sewers, the tall and musty walls, the raindrops leaking from the corners of the sewers, the darkness, the distinct smell… and despite everything, she was hit with a wave of nostalgia.

Her eyes felt watery for an instant, muttering in a broken gasp.

"Goodbye, Ward."

**—o—**

During the move, they keep many of the old furniture that the house already had, and some new ones from Tsukiyama; a huge bed for them, a small one for Sui, a couch and a new TV, one that actually worked, not like the one they had back in their cell. Yomo and Ayato help them moving out, escorting them to their new house and helping them clean some furniture and accommodate the new ones. When everything was done, she hugged them both for long minutes, trying to hold back the tears when Yomo whispered a soft _I’m proud of you._

They return to the Ward soon after, leaving them alone with the presence of some CCG guards patrolling the area to keep the cabin safe—and prevent a future escape from the one-eyed king—.

The first day is all about exploring the house, getting to know it, accommodating some furniture and painting the walls of Touka and Kaneki’s room. Sui helps them, drawing hearts on the walls that Touka decides to keep, ending into a paint war when she slaps the brush on Kaneki’s face and stains his skin in white. Then, at night, they help Kaneki prepare Sui’s dinner, with the TV playing a horror movie and a rain that crashed against the rooftops… when was the last time Touka ever listened to the rain under the protection of a roof? They finish the movie after Sui finishes his dinner, and only because it was their first night in here, Sui was allowed to sleep with them on their bed. They stare at the rain together through the window, lying on the bed, only the three of them.

And things get better in time, with the passing of weeks. There were nights when Sui would sob, claiming that he missed everyone and wanted to come back. Other days, however, he wouldn't sob at all, but he would lock himself in the bathroom for long hours in a form of protest, but it was pointless, for he wasn't getting anything at all.

However, it was a Saturday when Sui claimed that he saw a mouse in his bedroom. Tiny, fluffy, living inside one of the walls of his room.  
“We have to keep him!” he’d insisted, pleading dramatically. “Mom, we have to keep him!”

“Are you sure it was a mouse?” she complained, unsure. “What if it’s a rat?”

“No, it’s a mouse, I promise! It had round ears! He was probably scared when he saw me, but I can make him feel safe.”

Touka sighed, giving up. This place was filled with bugs and rodents, getting rid of the mouse wouldn’t be the smartest thing to do considering that he was probably living in this house way before they moved in.

“Then we might have to get some cheese to drag his attention.”

The mouse was the first thing that filled Sui with excitement, and Kaneki wouldn’t waste his opportunity to mock her, muttering a cocky _I told you_  to make her see that, in time, Sui was slowly adapting to his new life, his new home. The mouse also happened to be a blessing, since it would give Sui many reasons to sleep in his room, not wanting to miss the chance to see him again, and that granted Touka and Kaneki many nights by themselves with no interruptions.

And it was beautiful. For Kaneki, at least, it was. To leave the house way to the Ward, and return two days later and see Touka there, with a messy bun on her head and wearing one of his shirts, dressing comfortably as she rarely ever did back in the Ward, surrounded by strangers every single day. To see her smile at him when he entered the door, cheerfully walking towards him to wrap her arms around him and kiss him, and mutter against his lips how much she missed him. He never thought he needed this life until it came to him, making him realize that Touka was always right.

And many, many weeks later…

Kaneki brought Sui a dog.

A white, soft Shiba puppy that he saw on a market when he went to get some food for Sui, being escorted by a guard. Sui had always wanted a dog, but it was hard to keep it in the Ward without getting it lost, but they were no longer in the Ward. When he returned home with the dog in hands, Sui almost burst into tears. Now, there were more than a hundred reasons for Sui to think of this place as a home, especially if he had a dog _and_  a mouse waiting for him. He named the dog _rabbit_ , because of his long and white ears, and that same night, after asking Sui if he wanted to sleep with them, he refused.

“Mmh,” he muttered, lying on the couch and about to fall asleep. “I have to… stay in my room in case the mouse appears.”

Kaneki nodded, sighing.

“Very well then. Come on.”

“Dad.”

“Yes?”

“Can I sleep with Rabbit tonight?”

Kaneki scooped his child into his arms, slowly taking him to his room.

“Yes, you can.”

He tucked Sui in his bed, covering him with all his blankets and grabbing Rabbit, placing him right beside him. The puppy rapidly found comfort in Sui’s chest, and under the dim of the room, Kaneki stroked his hair.

“Are you happy?” he asked.

Sui nodded, closing his eyes for a moment.

“I love h-him,” he whispered, enclosing his arms around the dog a little too roughly.

Kaneki chuckled, holding Sui’s hand.

“And I love you. You know that, right.”

Sui nodded again, fighting to keep his eyes open. He was so tired.

“I love you too, dad,” he made a pause, blinking. “Do you think the mouse is going to appear tonight?”

“I hope so. If you’re too scared, you can come to our room.”

The kid shook his head.

“Rabbit is going to protect me.”

Kaneki delivered a soft smile, leaning to press a kiss to his forehead.

“Goodnight, sleepyhead.”

**—o—**

It had only been a month, and maybe a few weeks more, but the soft protuberance of her stomach is slowly growing visible, and Kaneki is already falling into the realization that yes, indeed, Touka is pregnant. He allows himself to feel the moment, to absently rest his cheek on her belly and absently stroke the skin of her hips, eyes absently staring at the lonely trees through the window, feeling Touka's fingers curling his soft locks of hair. At night, when Sui falls asleep, everything grows quieter.

She can feel his lips brushing against her stomach now and then, and she can't contain herself when she speaks, lying on the bed.

"I know… that you always wanted another one," she whispers.

He smiles against her skin, nodding softly. It takes him a moment to answer, as if he's thinking of the right words.

"Ever since the first time I saw Sui… I knew. That I wanted to have thousands of babies with you," he answers with something that looks like a wicked smile.

Her face grows redder, and she laughs in embarrassment.

"Shut up," she scolds, hitting his shoulder.

Kaneki is smiling, but he's still nodding.

"I'm serious," he says, and then there's another pause. He swallows harshly. "Sui… he's the best thing that ever happened to me. I lived half of my life without him, and sometimes I wonder how was I even able to do that. And… you gave him to me. I have him because of you. Everything that I have now, you gave it to me. And now this baby… it's — I'm just — I'm just really happy."

He can't see the moment she quickly wipes a tear, wanting to rapidly hide it from him. Her hand goes back to his head, stroking his hair.

"I'm… scared, actually," she whispers, and that alone forces Kaneki to look at her, confused.

"Scared?"

She shrugs, staring at the window.

"Sui's pregnancy was hard. I'm just a little worried… that things might not go so well with this one."

Kaneki pulls away to lay down beside her, face to face. He grabs her cheek, shaking his head repeatedly.

"No, this… this will be different. We were both under a lot of stress back then, but things are different now. We're here, where you can rest, and things will be okay. I'll take care of you, Touka-chan."

I'll take care of you.

She strokes his cheek, feeling his arms pulling her closer.

They would probably kiss right now, flip off the lights, touch each other's bodies and each other's scars and taste the fragrance of their lips in the texture of their mouths. The sun would rise the day after, the birds would sing a new song and the baby inside of her would grow just a little bit more. And they would live, every day to the fullest, their lives burning like a never-ending flame. And they would be okay.

It will be okay.


End file.
